When we got home from the reception. I thought I wasn’t going to make it down the stairs … so I said my goodbyes to Alyssa. Gabby decided to stay the night with her Grandma. I’m sure it was to avoid goodbyes. Dest and Critter dropped a bunch of wedding stuff off but would be back in the morning to grab their honeymoon suitcases and say a proper goodbye.
Rocky had been debating on if he wanted to leave after the reception or the next morning. I personally don’t know why we would leave at 11pm when it would be so easy to get some rest and leave before 9 am.... so we slept.
I woke at 4:30 and did that one rough entry. Then started packing. I really wanted to be done and leave just after Diz did for the airport. Honestly, though there was some coaxing we managed to get out within 10 mins of their departure.
I have Life360 on my phone now. Tells me the location of Jake and Destiny. Rocky wants no part of it. He doesn’t want me to know where he is all the time. Jake thinks it’s romantic that I care. Jake sleeps at strange times and I don’t want to wake him. I also, like to know when he’s working.... or with his son. It also gives me an alternative place to message him.....
Right so.... Rocky stops about every half tank… the ride was pretty boring and I slept a bit.... The plan was to unpack and turn the A/C back on then go get a bite to eat .... that’s not what happened because I came clean in the car in the last few miles.
Why not earlier? Because, he carries and I didn’t want to get left in the middle of nowhere.... in fact I’d planned on doing it much later.... after the surgery.... afraid he would work to deny me that.
It was a long evening of talking. I had to promise not to talk to Jake anymore.... which I will not just not talk to him.... how rude. He’s been looking over my shoulder since we talked. There was the twisting.... all the conversations before being pulled out. When we’d first gotten together I put forth that cheating doesn’t mean the end but that we would need to talk about it before it happened. We did. At least twice. If I mention something once it’s already an issue so to have a conversation about something specific twice.....not to mention the 20,000 times we’ve had to talk about his sleeping habits. I do not regret anything I did. I hate that he cried, that he’s been hurt, but honestly, he was the only one that could have prevented it.
When he came to MI we’d played cards. I tried keeping our knees together, putting my hand on his leg when it wasn’t my turn.... little stuff.... and he would pull away like he wanted nothing to do with me. When I’d told him Jake and I were going to dash for 3 days he didn’t ask if he could come and he didn’t tell me I couldn’t go. In fact he said “no wonder you didn’t tell me when you were leaving”..... which is bull shit because I told him Jake starts at 9 every day.... 4 times that I remember.
I know I did wrong. I know it’s not his fault.... but it’s not entirely mine, nor Jake’s either.
Now there are rules. I will no longer be allowed to visit MI without him. Are you kidding? Yeah, okay.... so I guess we will make it all of another few years. My trips to MI without him have been my vacation from the one-child I have. My own fault. Maybe I shouldn’t have told him at all? The consequences are the only reason I regret what I did at all. .... I regret the telling more than the action.
What action? some stolen kisses and touching? No. I will keep that private. Rocky doesn’t even want details. I will keep those to myself but if you must know, it was everything. Hate me if you want. If it was just for the sake of cheating I could have done it with Todd..... another penis after all.
Over the last 10 or so entries I’ve had a random reader think that their comments mattered. Calling me out on the cheating before knowing anything about me. It was honestly funny. Someone thinking that they are saying “Stop, you are making all women look bad.” would suddenly make up for the loneliness I feel in my own home. The endless conversation about attention and wanting more time. They knew nothing of this horrible dry spell that we can’t seem to get out of. Couples’ sex therapy.... yeah because of money.... wtf.... lol obviously they don’t know I’m not working because of an incurable disease. I did not find the need to explain my actions to them. I still don’t. This is more of a statement that it happened. Look, you made my journal! lol
The first day was a little strange. I’ve made an effort to go back to bed rather than sleep in my chair and to cuddle a few moments after I wake and before I know I will sleep no more. Kiss him when I would want to instead of thinking I’ll be in his way. He seems annoyed momentarily but I can’t care now. He looked up a marriage consular but has yet to call. It just sits here on my computer screen. We’ve done all our normal running. Getting ready for the weekend. This weekend I’ll get to talk to Jake about everything without prying eyes.
Call me what you will. There was more fire with Jake than there has been in the previous 5 years with my husband combined. I honestly believed I was dead inside. That want was no longer a word in my vocabulary. After all how could I want with someone who needs me to wake him in the morning.... because if I don’t he sleeps the day away. How could I want with someone I have to care for like a child? On the other side of that coin I mentioned “I’d like to get a bagel a time or to during my visit”.... one time… one time so Jake bought a dozen. I mentioned I’d be home without Dest while she was at work and he volunteered to come get me so I could hang out with someone. Then “are you thirsty?” “I love to share.” “Let me buy you lunch.” These are not things with Rocky.
Everyone can be perfect for a few days. I know that. This is Jake though. This has always been Jake.... to a point that some think him a tad slow for being so nice.
I brought up to Rocky that I asked him to take the love language test about 2 months ago. I wanted to know what he thought he was doing to show me affection being as intimacy hasn’t been a thing in so long. He says I should have forced him.... like, .... like he’s 5… smh
Rocky has still yet to get up any earlier. I don’t know what else to say right now.
Last updated June 08, 2022