Wish you said you loved me when you didn't have your fingers crossed in Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of HAPPINESS

2022 has fucking SUCKED FOR ME! I know that I disappeared, but I will tell you guys that I HAVE BEEN GOING THROUGH IT! Whether it’s my child with ADHD driving me mad, my non-potty trained 3 year old that is now emulating all of her negative behaviors, or my one-legged boyfriend (whose only leg left is now broken because he’s dumb and didn’t lock his prosthetic while STANDING ON IT) taking me for granted! It has been exhausting! Luckily the school year officially came to a close. A teacher I worked with (the only one I formed a genuine connection with) at my previous school reached out to me to let me know of an opening at the school. I immediately applied. I was called by the principal ASAP and offered the job on the spot. So I will be going BACK to the school I worked at last year. My current school SAID they were sad to see me go, but that place is a fuckin nightmare! I’ve never seen a more catty staff. Some of those teachers were serious BULLIES! I’m happy to leave, but there’s a handful of my students that I will miss profusely.

ANYWAY, on to the good stuff…so around the time that my boyfriend broke his leg things were rocky for us. I was so tired of him being so hard on my kids. Everything that kids do normally was annoying him. I was just SO OVER IT! Not only that but his smart mouth and intentionally hurtful remarks were endless…like, he would literally wake up and pick a fight. For example, we had been gone to my moms house one weekend, and when the kids and I got back I made a comment about some food I had seen on an ad and how delicious it looked. Innocent enough right? Well, my boyfriend used that as the perfect time to bring up sll of his “family’s” events that I don’t eat at. We went to a baby shower back in March and I fed the kids and myself before we left. I don’t know how many baby showers he’s been to, but I’ve been to some with endless food, and I’ve been at some with just little appetizers, and I’ve been to some with no food…so since I didn’t know the people, I ate ahead of time. Not just because I didn’t know if there would be any food but because I’m a vegetarian and his “family” is not my family. MY family knows that I’m a vegetarian and always make sure there’s something for me to eat. Long story short, I didn’t eat at the event (and even if I had, my options were chips and MAYBE refried beans). So WHY on Earth this stuck out to him as something I did to be presumptuous and rude is news to me. It didn’t stop there, he said that I don’t like his “family”. When in reality, I don’t know them. They invite us to Christmas whoopty do. They never invite us to anything nor have any of them done anything to try to reach out and make me a part of their “group”. (IF YOU’RE READING ME FOR THE FIRST TIME I CALL THEM “FAMILY” BECAUSE THEY’RE HIS HIGH SCHOOL FRIENDS’ FAMILY). There are 4 boys and each of them have wives. Not ONE of them has tried to befriend me or invite me along or include me. I’ve tried at parties and even sent one a message on FB when I wanted to tell her how much I loved her Secret Santa gift for me, but that’s as far as it went. As a matter of fact, none of them have added me on FB…nothing. ANYWAY my point is that he was making something out of nothing and making it seem like I have something against those people.

So we had been having these little arguments. Not only that but when he DID break his leg he didn’t tell me until he had basically been at the ER all day. I took the very next day off when I found out he’d be having surgery just for me to show up at the hospital and him to let me know that he decided to wait until the NEXT day to have his surgery because the doctor wasn’t going to be able to do it until the evening and he wanted to be able to eat. How’s that for communication? So I took the NEXT DAY off as well, just to arrive at the hospital at 9am and find out that he had already had the surgery at like 5 am!!! Why he wouldn’t reach out and let me know is beside me. That’s 2 days of work on top of the many days of work I’ve missed this year because of him. Things got even worse once he got home. He was snapping at me and the kids and making everything uncomfortable in the house. At night he’d make comments about his leg being broke but not his D**K. Which WHY WOULD I EVEN WANT TO TOUCH YOU IF YOU’RE TREATING ME THIS WAY. Fast forward to one night he was getting upset because I was letting my son self soothe himself instead of me going out of my room and physically making him go to bed. This caused an ARGUMENT where my boyfriend said out of nowhere “DO YOU KNOW THAT I WAS GOING TO BREAK UP WITH YOU TODAY?” Like out of nowhere…me being me, I’m like “Fine, Just be done then!” Which we’ve had some semblance of this conversation more than once in our relationship. FAST FORWARD to that weekend, I went to my moms…I came back and made a comment about how I hadn’t heard from him all weekend. He said something along the lines of “Well, I wanted to give you time to talk to your mom because I know talking about tough things like break ups is hard”…mind you he was saying this to me AS WE’RE IN THE BED CUDDLING. So that’s how I found out that we were “broken up”.

So this went on for days. Me being confused and not understanding whats going on. Him suddenly being overly nice and attentive to my kids. He also started being overly attentive to me which was even more confusing. At night he always asked to cuddle. I started getting upset more and more each day. I was hurt and confused because there was NO WARNING. He just said “We have parenting differences”…He doesn’t even have kids! He said that I was always undermining his parenting when I was honestly just standing up for my kids when I felt like his discipline wasn’t warranted. So…as the days went on I stopped interacting with him as much. I said very little and stayed out of the bedroom until it was time to go to sleep which is when he’d try the whole cuddling thing again. I had started “packing” and basically piling all of my things up in the living room just to show that I was leaving. He said we didn’t have to leave, but I was like WHY ON EARTH would we stay if we were broken up? He wanted his cake and to eat it too apparently. One night we had an EXPLOSIVE ARGUMENT. I even flipped his wheelchair which is totally out of character for me. I’ve never screamed or cried so hard in my life because after a while he was just acting like everything was all good with him while I was over here confused and hurting. I was sad that my children were seeing me in this state....all because almost 2 years ago, I uprooted us from our own place 2 hours away and took a risk by moving us in here. I was screaming and crying so badly that my body physically hurt for DAYS. I packed me and the kids up in the night and checked into a hotel. I was trying really hard not to lose my job because I was missing hours of work in order to take my kids to school in the morning. We came home a few days later, I apologized for flipping his chair and told him we’d be moving soon. Every day after school, my daughter and I would be out looking at apartments. I spent my entire days looking for and calling apartments seeing what availability they have and when. The pickings were extremely slim because RENT PRICES are at an all time high!!! I finally found a place though…the soonest move in date they had was June 11th (this coming weekend). I’ve already paid the deposit and filled out the application at this point.

Fast forward a few days, he and I sat down and talked like adults. He apologized and admitted that he thought we’d break up, still live together (and share a bed) and eventually work things out. I apologized for all of the passive aggressive things I’d been doing and saying because I was hurt and blind sided. I mean, I met him with two legs, but he was in a wheelchair. I’ve gone through so much with him this year alone. I devoted so much of my time, missed work, changed leg dressings, put compression socks on, changed his Depends, made doctors appointments, went to doctors appointments and made sure he was taking his medicines. I’ve gone above and beyond in the department of PROVING that I wanted to be here. I didn’t do it because I HAD to but because I LOVED HIM, so how he could just discount that was beside me. Anyway, whilst I WAS acting in retaliation and heartbreak, wrong is wrong and I can admit to my wrong doings. We worked through it. Whew! He has a lot of enemies now in the form of my family and my friends, but here we are.

My dilemma now is…do we move and get our own place…or do we stay. The new place is in a nice neighborhood. 5 minute drive from my daughters school. 10 minute drive from the school I’ll be at this year. There’s a grocery store and gas station on the same block. Tons of restaurants and shopping nearby and GET THIS....across the street is a park. Like a HUGE park…with a dog park, trails, outdoor exercise equipment, tennis courts, football field ansd baseball field, playground....It’s IDEAL. I took the kids just last night just to see it again since I hadn’t seen it since I viewed it. I was hoping that it would change my mind one way or another, but I LOVED IT! There’s a pool and sand volleyball court at the apartment. I would love to have my own place again. It’s evident that we’re nowhere near ready for marriage. What’s a year in our own place? I can think of many PROs (location! location! location!) and many CONS (I’d definitely be saving money by not moving especially with THESE GAS PRICES). My mom says we should move. I definitely don’t want to find ourselves in that same predicament again. Everything is great in this house EXCEPT for his style of “parenting” which seems to be knit picking and being on edge about kids being kids. That’s enough to make me extremely on edge all of the time. I OVER PARENT in order to avoid him getting upset with them over small things. I’m tired of that! However, WHO WANTS TO MOVE! I don’t want to pack. I don’t want to MOVE…but it might do us some good to do this while we’re on good terms. It’s like a 20 minute drive from here. It’s doable. I mean, he’s about to be having work done on the house anyway, and I can only imagine what a nightmare it’d be with my kids running around while major construction is going on.

The answer seems clear doesn’t it? Then why do I keep changing my mind? I want to make sure that I do what’s truly best for us and most importantly what’s best for me. My boyfriend has already asked us not to leave....but....here I am wanting to! I mean, he may miss us, but we’re still in town. He can come over. We can come over. Hell, I’d more than likely leave some of my stuff behind. We can use this time to build a better foundation for us all, do some therapy, and I REALLY and TRULY want him to take some parenting classes. However, he seems to be stuck in his ways and the way that he was raised because “it worked for him”. eye roll

Pray for me and that I find clarity and make the right decision FOR ME! Without outside influences.