Surrogacy. Death. Transformation. in Musings

It’s going to be ONE full year without my mom. I can’t even believe that I was able to survive this. Although her absence kills me, there are so many beautiful signs that have given me the breath that she is and always will be with me… before she left me and the last time I saw that woman, she said “I will never leave you, I will always be by your side and I am fighting for my life” and she’s somehow managed to fulfill that promise to me from the beyond.

Sometimes I smell her and I search for her. I dream of her holding me in her arms and taking these lumps out of my body by squeezing me into her and her asking me “please hug me as hard as you can my prince, I will take these lumps from you” and I’m crying in her arms and beg her to stay with me and I hug her so hard and she always just disappears in my arms and when I open my eyes in the dream, I am just hugging myself and I see that all the lumps go away.
My mom loved Liam and she told me before she died “just marry that guy!, what are you waiting for? That man worships the ground you walk on. Mami sees it, I see the way he looks at you, I see the way he talks to you; and I know Andres! I KNOW because I pushed you out into this world HOW ABSOLUTELY SPOILED AND UGLY YOUR BEHAVIOR IS! And I also know that I hurt you in ways that make you so ugly, but please forgive me, I didn’t know what I was doing, when you have a baby you’ll see how much you can hurt you’re baby because of how much you NEED to protect them”

On my birthday, April 5th, Liam and I became husband and husband. I held on to some of my mothers ashes and I made three diamonds out of them for my brother, my sister and me.

I don’t know how I did all of this wedding planning going through all of the grief of losing her… but I did… I don’t know how I maximized my business and upgraded it and partnered with an amazing business savvy woman who has elevated our business into what it is now. I don’t know how Liam’s tattoo business has doubled in size and has become incredibly successful post pandemic. I don’t know how I managed to buy a bigger apartment with Liam in Manhattan… and what really, really hurts and excites me and it makes me happy and it makes me sad and angry and hopeful is that I don’t know how or why Liam and I have been gifted the ability to start to build our family and we are expecting a baby in February and we are now attempting to use the same egg donor with his sperm to have a second pregnancy, so they can be Puerto Rican twins.
And although I am so happy that this surrogacy, egg donation process has been pretty easy, finding a surrogate for both embryos and from a fluke of life we have found a donor who has multiple viable eggs and is more than willing and agreeable to use her eggs in our quest of building a family, I know that my mom in some strange, otherworldly way has had a hand in it all… it hurts me thinking that her grandchildren will never have the privilege to meet her… this surrogacy, egg donation process has been a lot of hard work, but it has not been disappointing and it’s literally been a miracle that seems unreal. The legalities, the ease in finding surrogates has been easy. And I keep hearing my mothers voice telling me “when you have money, everything is possible!” And I giggle to myself…

Liam is so excited to have heard that we are going to have a baby. Our apartment is beautiful and huge and he’s been nesting, everyday after work he’s been running home to build our kids there beds and although I am annoyed that our apartment looks like a backyard with wood and sanders and whatever the fuck else—-it makes me fall more inlove with him, especially when he’s done for the night widdling down crib spokes as I watch tv.
I dunno what it is about seeing him so excited and tender of having children with me that makes me melt. Every night at maybe 2-3AM he walked to the living room and it’s his ritual for the past few months to kiss my forehead, hold my hand to his chest and thank me for being his and embarking on this journey with him and we turn off the lights pick up our puppies and walk to our bedroom where he spoons me to sleep.
I’m not going to lie and say that I am not terrified and I know I don’t have that parental gene, I’m not very warm and affectionate, I am extremely selfish and bad at making boundaries… sometimes I’m like holy shit, I can’t do this, I’m scared! But then I just see the picture of my mother and the letter that she left me that I’ve framed, that says “you are my biggest accomplishment, my most beautiful accident, and the greatest legacy created from my body that has given my life purpose, please remember that when I’m gone, don’t ever forget that I love you infinitely, beyond time and space, you will always be mine and I will always be yours. Please forgive me for ever hurting you”
And I think “it’s so bittersweet to be a parent and how amazing and ugly/beautiful will it be to raise a human being and when my own time comes, knowing that I’ve done everything right to set up my child to succeed, to be kind, to be humble, to be loving, to be resilient and for when the circle of life closes on me, to know that that child I created, shaped, formed out of grief and loss of my own purpose of existence actually gave me the gift of life twice—once for myself and once at there birth and regenerated every single day until my last breath”

I hope it’s a boy… Because I know first hand how difficult it was for the women in my life dealing with the society we live in… and selfishly, I hope that it’s a heterosexual, free of disabilities, free of gender confusion because I know how difficult it was for me to be a gay man… and I’m not saying that I wouldn’t adore and love my child if they were the opposite, but I never want them to hurt the way I hurt growing up.
My mom use to tell me “until you become a parent you will never understand how painful it is to have a child that you are always afraid that they will be ostracized for there life choices and you can’t protect them from the world”

I’ve told Liam my concerns and these stories and he laid me down next to him and put his forehead against mine and held me close to him “well then you don’t know me very well babe, there is no one in the world that will ever, ever hurt our kid, because that means you’re going to hurt and my kid is going to hurt and I will have to be sent to jail for murder if I let my family suffer like that”

On another note, Liam has been really building out this baby room in one of our 4 bedrooms… he’s made him (I know I don’t know the sex yet, but I have very high premonitions it’s a boy) a beautiful dresser that is waiting to be stained and sealed… I fall more and more inlove with Liam because I see that he is going to be such a great dad.

I mean he’s been such a great boyfriend, he’s been such a great fiancé and he’s been such a great husband… is our relationship argument free? NO… Liam and I get into really big arguments all the time and Liam, unlike me, he’s very confrontational, I just let shit to under the radar and resent people because I allow myself to be taken advantage of instead of sticking up for myself.

I mean during this whole surrogacy, egg donor search, we have both collaborated on it and truth be told I am very pragmatic about the
Situation and he’s very emotionally invested. And I have been feeling super, super jealous about the fact that hes so into making the baby’s crib and he has this investment that he wants our child to know that he has worked his ass off for them…and I think it’s sexy, but I also think it’s annoying because I want his time… am I going to be second place to this baby?

I don’t know…
I had an argument with Liam because I hate that hw gets home and I’m on my computer dealing with my business or I’m coming home from the salon and he’s in the room just sawing, sanding and making our baby’s crib and I wait for him until like 2-3 AM and he always comes and gets me from the couch or he holds my hand and we go to bed together. But I am an aries and I don’t want this baby to interrupt our relationship… and Liam verbatim said “what the fuck are you thinking Andy??! We are creating life and we are making a family! Of course I am not going to coddle you because you’re being a fucking brat and I have our kids lives and building there spaces! You need to grow the fuck up! You’re not number 2! But now YOU shouldn’t be relying on my attention, I am going to give you attention of course because I am in love with you, but our kids need me, they need you, they need US and this jealousy bullshit with me and our kids needs to stop NOW” and yes I guess I’ve been put in my place… and according to my therapist it is a fear of instability and it is a fear of the unknown and the fear of transforming our relationship into a different focus, where before kids we invested our energies into each other, which is a common goal, and now we are shifting to investing our energies into building a family with each other and the dynamics are different, but my fear is valid.

I don’t know I just fucking love Liam and I’ve never felt so conflicted the way I do now… I love seeing him transform into this dad role… I love seeing him being so tender and so focused on our future and what family we are investing… but I am also scared that I am going to lose him…. I am going to lose him as a partner who pays attention to my needs and my wants, luckily we are wealthy enough to not worry that we will never travel again and moreover, I am concerned that he’s going to be so busy focusing on these kids that he’s not going to be focusing on me and I know that is selfish.

For example there was one night I tell him “hey baby, getting out of the salon at 6:00, meet me for dinner”
And he’s like “babe I just got home, I’m trying to make our son’s room perfect so We can have all the things he needs, so let’s get take out or we have some steaks in the fridge, why don’t you just cook those up for us? We got 9 months it’s gotta be good for our son”

And although it melts my heart that he’s so concerned about our son, who we don’t even know if it’s a boy or girl yet, We have the privilege to be like “hey we are wealthy enough to get this room decorated, we are privileged to have curated this beautiful miracle for ourselves, instead of 9 months of just him building and creating and pouring himself into a human being that isn’t here with us yet, can we make sure that our relationship is rock solid, and neither of us feel that we are losing each other, who have curated this experience”
There are times during this whole experience that I feel like I am losing him… and this is how I know that I am selfish and I do have to accommodate myself to this experience that we’ve chosen, and these are the times I wish I had my mom to tell me “Andy, you’re right on track with these feelings, you were the last being that I created and I was so scared to have you because your father didn’t want you to exist and I wanted you and I didn’t care if I had to move the earth and the heavens to provide for you, but you were meant to be in my womb and I was meant to grow up as a woman” this is what I know that my mother would tell me… along with telling me that I was a selfish, spoiled little fuck, and also telling me how dare I even complain to Liam about what he is doing because HE’S A STAND UP FATHER FIGURE and a man that I should respect and level up to because most men think exactly like me… selfishly because of the lack of awareness of the magnitude of what it means to bring a child into this world.

Last night I didn’t wait for Liam to finish his wood working at whatever time… and I took a shower, I cried about my mother, I cried about being a selfish little twat, I cried about the fear of what I have accomplished and what everything has led me to… and I went to bed cause I was like “fuck it, I guess I have to sleep alone if I’m going to be a dad” I laid in bed I watched some mindless shows on Netflix and I fell asleep… and then I woke up feeling Liam getting into bed…
“You awake babe?” He said as he slipped off his underwear and his shirt and I just grunted “huh”
“Babe I’m so pumped that I just built the frame of the crib. You said mid-century modern right?” He slid into the covers and pulled me into him
“Mmmhmm” I said just trying to get away from him. My biggest issue is that I feel jealous and I hate that I do.
“Baby you okay?” He said as he scooped me into him.
“Yeah. Just tired” I said as I scooted away from him.
“Hey my Prince, what’s going on? ‘Cause you’re distant, we have had these baby convos and this isn’t the way that you would ever treat your husband, I know for a fucking fact that you would never, ever just try to get away from me when I’m butt ass naked” he said as he pulled me right into him.
“Lee; I’m just worried that it’s not gonna be me and you and you’re gonna love this kid and I’m just gonna fall into the background and because I am a stand up type of person, I will only be married to you because of the kids, and that shit makes me scared!” I said pulling away from him.
He just giggled, and climbed on top of me “I get it, but would you feel like this if you were a woman and my wife and you would be creating my legacy in your womb?” And he rubbed my stomach.
“If I had a womb, I’d feel more connected” I said
“I love you Andy, but I am bisexual and I never thought that I’d have a baby this way, it was a possibility that I knew, but I figured I would’ve fallen in love with a woman and make this child with her, but life is funny and I fell in love with you and it’s taken us this long to get married and taken us this long to have a child; and in my head even if I am bi, I can’t imagine a world where you and I wouldn’t be raising children together… there’s no fucking way that we wouldn’t be dad’s together, me and you wouldn’t embark on this together, and I fall more and more in love with you the more you resist and show me that you feel threatened by our kids because of me investing the time and energy to give our kids what we never had— but you know why I am doing this now? He said as he kissed me
“Lee I just don’t want you to forget me, and I fall in love with you more because you do these things for our future unborn kids—“ I said
“Shhh shhh! I know for a fucking fact that this has always been your way, you freak out about change, you hate instability, but I fucking know for a fact that those kids, my kids, our kids they will never form a connection with me the way that I PROMISE YOU, they will form a connection with you and I will always be Dad #2 to them you understand that?”

“Umm first of all I would never raise our kids to EVER think that your dad #1 or I am dad #1 because our kids will never, ever be instilled with that weird hierarchical paradigm” I said as I kissed him. “Our kids will always know, whether they are adept to rely on me or not, that YOU do everything for them and you also do everything for them and for me, and they will always be aware of that and I know that if they are adept to you, then you will also let them know that I do everything for them and for you. We are partners and we collaborate with our kids and teach them that daddy Andy and Liam love each other and love them infinitely… but I already know you Li, you’re going to make me do the diapers and the feedings and I’ll have vomit on my designer shirts and I’ll be pissed on, have baby shit under my manicured nails and you’re going to dip out on me!” I said holding his face and wrapping my legs around him.
“Well I mean babe, you pretend to be a hard ass, but here’s the truth, I’ve chosen you to have children with you and raise our kids because as much as you deny it, you are much more nurturing and parental than I am… yeah I don’t want to be shitted on and GOD FORBID we have a girl and I know you want a boy but if we get a girl, I know for a fact that I couldn’t help you changing her, because I’ve seen you change diapers on your girl friends daughters and I didn’t even know that wiping from front to back was a thing until you told me, I can hold my own with a little guy, cause I know that I can wipe his shit and not cause infections on his dick”

I was laughing all throughout this and even though I am freaking out about having a child, I am freaking out because of the dynamics that are changing with our relationship. And he’s freaking out about the fact that he doesn’t know how to change a diaper for a girl, compared to changing a diaper for a boy… I mean obviously it’s easier to change a diaper for a boy but wiping front to back is a standard… and maybe this is devious of me to think about, I want a boy because I can raise him to be a man that is respectful of women, and is cognizant of his obligations to be accepting, accountable, loving, humble, strong, tender, to not be a homophobe, to not be exclusive and I picture him just being the popular boy in school, not cause he’s a jock, but because he’s accepting of everyone and he’s loyal and kind. I think Liam wants a boy because he’s afraid of dealing with a vagina. I am thinking from a very big point of view, he’s thinking about what is comfortable to him.
“You know that having a boy they have the ability to shoot piss at you right?” I said
“What the fuck?” He said “fuck if our little buddy pisses in my face!… I dunno Andy” he said
“Well if our little buddy isn’t going to piss in your face it will probably be a little geyser and that’s part of your job as his dad to laugh it off and give him a little bath and put his diaper on”
“This is why I want to have children with you Andy… I don’t want you to think that I’m not scared about your jealousy and I’m not taking into account that I need you to be the ying to my yang… but if all I can give right now is to build them there cribs and diaper tables and fix the electrical shit and make there room because I am thinking about there first year and they will probably have a really strong bond with you, and they will be scared of me and they will cry if you’re not holding them”

And right then and there I realized… holy shit… I really am not afraid to be a parent, because I know I can be a great father, a loving, caring, generous, strict father that not only will my kids respect me, but also feel very inclined to me and Liam will be the fun dad, but god forbid divorce happens I am 200% confident that our babies will choose to be with me… kids want structure, stability, consistency, dedication through actions, and I know that’s who I am, Liam is very artsy and unstable, a dreamer and there’s nothing wrong with that—but that’s why we are so strong together… he tells me to loosen up and I tell him to get it together, at our core, our values align—we are both loyal to a fault, we are both capable of taking accountability, we are both self aware of what we are and what we are not and we can collaborate together to lift each other up.

I dunno I kissed him deeply as he laid naked on top of me… and generally I would just feel turned on by his touch or his words and the feeling of his naked body and the anticipation of him penetrating me or being submissive to him; and now it’s transpired into me being turned on by his sense of awareness. It’s sexy to think that he’s prepping to be a father. It’s sexy to know that he’s already created two trust funds for our unborn kids and has dragged me to these appointments to sign off and be a beneficiary in the event that he dies… and although it terrified me to read his will and be present in his life insurance plan and talk about trust funds with our lawyer, accountant etc. these are the very things that completely turn me on about him—it’s no longer his body and these superficialities that I lusted over, thinking “Omg his fucking dick is splitting me in half, OMG I want him to spit in my mouth etc”
Now it’s like great I am in love in a much more serious way that when he does penetrate me, I get off on the fact that “Omg Liam is taking care of us, our kids and me. Omg I love that Liam talked to me about his fear of diaper changing. oMG I want to fucking cum thinking about all of the work and effort he’s putting in on that room for our child. Omg he’s fucking the shit out of me right now and he’s dragged me to lawyers for his will and the trust funds and accountants and notary’s because he’s taking care of us ”

It’s a more sophisticated and elaborate way that I love Liam… I’ve always lusted thinking “wow Liam is such a man, I want him to fuck me” to now holding his hand and thinking “wow Liam is a man, and I want to build a world with him”