Brainwashing. in Since OD is shutting down....

My brother and I had a conversation on my birthday about my parents. We still believe that my Mom is being brainwashed. She hasn’t babysat in about 3 months now and I’m sure all hell would break loose if she was asked because there’s been a lot of times where she’s come to babysit and then goes home to get the silent treatment. I think her and my Dad have been getting along great because the only time she’s away from him is to be at work. I think he’s still a very insecure, paranoid person who’s very selfish and wants to keep my Mom all to himself.

I moved out 15 years ago and I’ve had very limited contact with my Mom all this time. The most she was ever around was the last 2 years when she kept leaving him. I’m angry that she’s been so inconsistent with my child and I see how that’s affected her. I know that my daughter has adjusted very well to my Mom not being around again but it’s just ridiculous that she could be since she lives about 3 miles away but someone does what they can to hinder that.

All I’ve ever done is preach out everyone being consistent with my child but I see now that the inconsistency has been a really good teacher and that it’s okay for people to come and go. I don’t want her to learn that at this age but I can’t control what other people do or not do. I am glad that I haven’t asked my Mom to babysit and I think things are a lot better because she don’t. It’s bullshit that I’ve talked to him about how much my kid loves her Grandma and that is her person and he’ll act like he understands but you can tell that he’s sitting there trying to figure out how he’s going to keep her from babysitting too.

I know that my Dad is all about himself and it’s absolutely sickening. It’s also sickening that my Mom goes along with it. I just couldn’t imagine being with someone that just wants to control every aspect of my life, especially when it comes to kids and grandkids. I think they should have followed through with getting divorced and living separately but he wasn’t going to let that happen. It also pisses me off that she went home and they’ve just recreated the same situation they’ve had for 40 years! My Mom paid for the house, paid for their vehicles and works while him and my little brother just sit around soaking off of her.

My Grandma also was in a very similar situation and we lost a lot time with her because of it. She now has been in a nursing home for over a year with dementia. She barely remembers us. My Mom is heading down the same path of losing so much time with everyone because of a control freak. It’s extremely disheartening. I know that I will NEVER let a man run my life and it’s absolutely infuriating that my Grandma allowed it for herself and my Mom has done the exact same shit.

I have a lot of sympathy for my Mom but she’s going to have to find her way out. She’s left several times in the past 2 years but I do hope that once she leaves again, it will be for the last time. She’s allowed him to control her for so long that it’s all she knows and that makes me very sad. I’m a very headstrong person that I know I would never allow myself to be caught up like that. It’s the keeping her away from everyone that really gets me because that’s abuse. I know he’s terrified of outside influence that could potentially talk her into making decisions that may not be in his best interest.

She text me asking if I had laundry but wanted me to drop it off and I ain’t trying to go there today so I said I didn’t have very much. I just put the laundry in the wash because I didn’t get the chance to do it over the weekend and I want to get it done while my kid is in school. I appreciate her offer but I ain’t trying to get roped into hanging out at their house.

I haven’t felt great since the weekend and ended up missing my interview. I woke up this morning with my chest feeling super tight, I’ve been weezy and choking on phlegm. I also just couldn’t bring myself to go as I have too much fear in having the same job as before where all I would do is pay for gas and childcare. I have plenty of other bills and I don’t want to go back to living at work and visiting the house sometimes. I just can’t live that life again. My kid has one active parent and I like being a parent and feeling like I’m raising my child!

I have plans for the Summer and even the next couple of months. I do make money while she’s in school and I like having more freedom with my time. I refuse to ever give up my life to live someone else’s dream and fit their narrative. I did that for 7 years and for the first 3 years of my daughter’s life. I missed out on a lot and so did she because I had to give up all my time for work. I was just exhausted and had full blown panic attacks the last few months I worked there. I have been diagnosed with high functioning anxiety, ADHD, OCD, and PTSD.

My counselor says I’m not ready to be dating or work a full time job just yet. I have a lot to work through first and I’m okay with it. I know that I’ve had a lot of stuff that I should have dealt with long before I started at that job and never got the chance to deal with it because I worked all the time and now, I want to start working on my mental health and no matter where I work, I will make sure that I get time for myself.

I gave up all of my time to work and wore my burn out as a badge of honor. I lived on coffee and didn’t have any kind of social life because every time I tried to make plans, I had to work late and by the time I got off, everyone was already home and going to bed. I also gave up every weekend and holiday for that 7 years. I’m terrified of going through that again. I feel like I’m still catching up on sleep from that 7 years and still learning how to relax and essentially live again. I feel like I need to live my life my way for awhile.

One of my best friends had the same job as me, we met at work. If anyone understands us on this shit is each other. He himself lived the same life as I did and lost a lot of time with his kids. I know that parents have to work but we also have to be in our kids lives too! I have seen a lot of shit on social media about daycare providers saying stuff about how they are raising your kids and that really bothers me. I don’t want anyone raising my child but me! I don’t want her in a daycare to begin with and put up with plenty for the 3 years she went and I can’t bring myself to plop her in another one!

It’s been super nice being able to take my kid to everything and neither one of us have missed out on anything in the past year and a half. I like being able to sit down with her even just to read her a book or color pictures. I wish that I would have left that job within the first year of having a newborn baby because I lost a lot of time that I can’t get back.