Why Don't We Do a Little Day Drinkin? in Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of HAPPINESS

What a CRAZY few weeks it has been! We have finally reached SPRING BREAK here. My plan is to drive myself and my kids to my moms house tomorrow and I’ll for sure leave them there the entire time. I can’t even imagine what it’s going to be like having my sanity for a few days!!! I was never able to find a flight anywhere promising. When I go on vacations, I don’t like to rent a car. I choose locations where there’s a lot to do nearby. My only need for transportation is to and from the airport. I’ve taken shuttles to Disney, Universal and Sea World....and my shuttle at Disney also went to a strip mall amongst other places. I prefer not to need transportation that isn’t already offered for free. Because I was going to be going on a getaway by myself, I didn’t even NEED a shuttle that left the resort. I found lots of promising resorts and none of them offered airport shuttles. I’ve never done Uber or Lyft and my anxiety would never allow that alone in an unknown city (a facebook friend just had a friend come down to visit her in New Orleans. Her Lyft driver propositioned her for sex. When she declined, he assaulted her and dropped her off in a random area). Anyway, I’m big on “shared shuttles” or shuttle companies that I’ve done extensive research on. Even if I found an amazing resort deal, the location was 30-40 miles away from the airport. Long story short, I never found anything so I have to have an “away, but not far away vacation”. So I’ll be getting hotels all week long. We were initially supposed to leave tonight, but a random snow/ice storm ravaged through and ruined that (and I procrastinated on my packing).

I’ve decided to just make a to-do list and do the things that I want to do. I already got my nails and toes done today. Sunday I have a massage scheduled FINALLY. I want to go have a night in the town where I went to college. I legitimately haven’t been back there since I graduated and there’s a restaurant that I remember that I loved. I want to take and treat myself, get a hotel, use their gym, go for a walk, enjoy the outdoors (the temperatures are looking GREAT for this upcoming week), check out the downtown small businesses and shops. I ALSO want to go to IKEA. I’ve only gone to IKEA once and that was 10 years ago and in a different state. I want to go to IKEA and I want to go to a huge mall that’s located near there. I want to catch a movie. I want to do some shopping. I want to DRINK. I want to go to an Adult Store for some new fun things. So whilst there are only a FEW places I actually want to go. The point is that I want to go and do it ALONE and not have to tend to anyone. No changing diapers. No back and forth with my 6 year old. No lifting and pushing a wheelchair. No being overstimulated because everyone wants something from me and wants to talk to me at once. I love my kids but I want to get as far away from them AND my boyfriend as I can. Even if I go and visit family members, I want to go on my OWN. I want to swim in the hotel pool, use the hot tub, go to the gym…find events to go to by MYSELF! I need to learn to enjoy myself again. I used to do SO much traveling by myself before kids. I never doubted myself or held myself back. It was ALWAYS a good time.

My boyfriend has been spending so much time on his video games. Not only that, but often my sleep is disrupted by his muscle spasms in his legs and so every 5 seconds I’m being shaken AWAKE. I just want peace. I want to read. I want to sit outside and write. I want to take myself out to dinner. I want to JUST BE!

My daughters birthday is Wednesday, so my boyfriend is supposed to come up for that. My daughter LOVES Jojo Siwa so her birthday is going to be JoJo themed and unicorn themed. She has no idea! Speaking of her having no idea…since her birthday is over Spring Break and because I’m not a fan of big parties at this time in my life, I took cupcakes and goodie bags up to her school today. I know that the kids in her class really like the Encanto movie, so they had Encanto cupcakes with Encanto Rings on top. I made little goodie bags for them with 2 really nice fidget toys each, a Capri Sun, a rice crispy treat, a fruit snack, a neon pre-sharpened pencil (my child never has a pencil when it’s time for homework, so I was assuming my child wasn’t the only one), an Encanto tattoo, a balloon, and one of those things you blow at parties (LOL). Those kids absolutely DEVOURED everything. They ripped through EVERYTHING, but they seemed grateful and happy. My daughter was also VERY surprised which is exactly what I was going for.

I had my second appointment with the therapist this week and came to some serious realizations. I have some major decisions to make. I’ve been EXTREMELY UNHAPPY with my job lately. I think it might be time that I’m done with education. I AM BURNED OUT just like many educators are which sucks because I LOVE WHAT I DO! However, the lackadaisical attitude of the kids, the defiance, the outright rudeness and nonchalance about turning work in is EXHAUSTING! The disrespect is EXHAUSTING! My work environment and the cliques are ALSO EXHASUTING! I’m ready to be done. I also completely done living so far away frommy support system. My kids are EXHAUSTING and I need help. My boyfriend doesn’t help. I NEED HELP! I don’t have that here. I also have no friends here, which also means no breaks, and no one to relate to or complain with. It’s so tiring feeling alone when I don’t have to. I could just go home. If mama’s not good…,.NOBODY IS GOOD. I often don’t have anything left to give MYSELF at the end of the day. If that makes sense....

I’m trying to get out of my negative headspace and become who I am again. This is not me. Everyone deserves better at this point…INCLUDING me.