Silence is so underrated in Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of HAPPINESS

I realized today as I tried to wake up early and do some yoga specifically for easing migraines that I’m never in a place where it is SILENT. I also came to the realization that everyone else’s needs are met before my own. I also realized that I keep my pain, stresses, and anxieties to myself as I don ‘t want to burden anyone else, but everyone else comes straight to me with theirs.

Even when I try to have moments to myself…someone is always TALKING TO ME! Someone is always interrupting my time to re-energize myself. Say I go off to my bedroom to read or decompress. My boyfriend LIVES in our bedroom. So although he thinks I’m having my alone time, he will then interrupt my reading with a story or a conversation or for me to watch whatever it is that he is doing on his video game. My daughter is probably so much like me as a kid. She talks SO much. I HAVE to zone her out or tell her to stop talking and asking questions sometimes because I get so OVERSTIMULATED that I’m no longer even able to hear or comprehend whats being said to me. It’s the same with my boyfriend who feels like HE NEEDS TO BE HEARD. Yet no one hears me when I say I need quiet. I’m an introvert and I have small children. I have a job where I interact with students (high schoolers) and other teachers all day. I get off of work and immediately pick up my kids who are dying to retell every moment of their day....they also want to decompress ans scream and let loose at home because they’ve been asked to be quiet and keep quiet all day at school. My boyfriend who is disabled and home all day cannot wait to talk to SOMEONE. And then there’s me…the ABSORBER OF IT ALL. All of the sounds. All of the questions. All of the hugs. All of the “What are we having for dinners”…all of EVERYTHING right? And even once my kids are put to sleep, and I retreat to my bedroom, it’s immediately “You can choose what we watch tonight”......

If someone could just DO ALL OF THE THINGS FOR ME. Answer all of the questions. Prepare all of the meals. Do all of the homework, so that for ONCE I can sit in silence and do nothing.

Whilst I found SOME comfort in my yoga this morning, I had my 6 year old talking and making noises throughout. My 3 year old woke up right at the end when I was practicing just being mindful and being still.

I now sit here on my living room floor with my weighted blanket on trying to watch videos that relax me (I’m really into slime videos, hydraulic press videos, and videos where this machine completely shreds and obliterates things) my kids are running around and screaming (AKA having fun)…and I’m just trying to gather myself. I’m only 33! I feel so GRUMPY AND OLD, but I know that I have to start making time for myself or I’m going to self destruct. Checking myself into some sort of hospital sounds like a great option right now. I was trying to research getaways for Spring Break for myself, but I don’t think I’m going to be able to get away as far as I’d like to. I will however probably DEFINITELY find something nearby. Drop my kids off to my moms and then turn my phone OFF. It’s like there is constantly a noise or a NEED of someone else that I have meet. I am sick and tired of being SICK AND TIRED! I want to prolong my quality of life. I feel like everything (my job, my relationship, me being a caregiver, being a single mother of small children with no support, no babysitter, no respite) is all catching up to me!!! Some changes HAVE to be made or it’s not going to get better.

I had a talk with my boyfriend this morning, my job is great source of stress and negative energy. The amount of disrespect I receive from teenagers and adult educators all day long is EXHAUSTING. Working in a school environment was a passion of mine and it worked well for me because of the schedule and the school breaks (and snow days) so that I can have as much time with my kids as I can without the need to rely on additional daycare or whatnot. Staying home right now isn’t a source of any relief either because of the needs of my boyfriend with his disability and recent amputation. My job is actually a refuge, but it is NOT a good one. Is anyone getting what I’m saying? I need my own place. My own SPACE. I COULD work from home, but not in this relationship and not in this house.

I loved it so much having my mother here, but even when she was here there was more that I was hoping that she would help with. being here was a refuge for her from the constant caregiving of my grandmother who depends solely on her for all of her needs (even though she has 5 other children). My grandma also just lives next door to my mom. My mom is WORN out, so I didn’t fuss over her not helping me more, but it was nice having her here. Having someone else to entertain the kids or even just someone else to have long discussions with my boyfriend while I was able to lay down and just recharge even if only halfway.

I don’t have a single friend here in this town. I’ve been here over a year and a half and I have no one outside of my household to talk to that lives here. This is weighing on me as well.

EVERYONE ELSE’S NEEDS ARE MET BECAUSE OF ME.

MY NEEDS ARE NOT BEING MET BECAUSE I’M SO BUSY TENDING TO EVERYONE ELSE.

IT’S SO LOUD EVERYWHERE.