Better than I thought in Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of HAPPINESS

What an anxiety ridden week! I’ve been having these headaches that feel like a brain freeze. However, they occur while not eating something cold. After like maybe the 2nd or 3rd day, my anxiety started going wild thinking about all of the things that could be wrong with me. That then spiraled into me thinking I’m going to die and leave my children behind. A bit dramatic? Yes. However, if you suffer from anxiety and panic attacks, you know all too well the impending doom that comes from the tiniest PING of pain that is out of the ordinary.

Then I mistakenly read every news article on the MSN home screen tab while at work. Like the story about the college student that ate left over Chinese takeout that was left out and he got a nasty bacterial infection that spread so quickly it ended in his legs being amputated and he lost a few fingers as well. And then I read all of the articles about Russia and Ukraine. The horror those people are facing right now. The uncertainty in America, the surging gas prices....nevermind the fact that I’m an overwhelmed mama who works all day with disrespectful teenagers and then have to come home to my overly excited little ones and my newly amputated boyfriend.

With that said, I WAS A MESS THIS WEEK! I did however make an appointment with my doctor about the headaches. Sometimes the only way that I can quiet that voice in the back of my head that thinks something is horribly wrong with me is for me to actually go to the doctor and them tell me that I’m okay.

Wednesday night, I hit the bong and had the WORST panic attack that I’ve had in a very long time. I couldn’t even make it to the dinner table for a while. I laid on the couch with an ice pack just trying to focus. It reminds me of those commercials years ago with those campaigns against marijuana and the kids were on the couch just melting away. I don’t ALWAYS feel like that when I smoke, but I have been feeling like that A LOT lately, and then I start to feel like a useless parent which makes me feel even MORE guilty even though I know that that is far from the truth.

Anyway, I’m happy to say that after talking to my mom after work today about everything and crying just trying to express myself that I actually feel better. I feel A LOT better. Like I’m here and not disassociating.

On another note, whilst my daughter did have a few hiccups this week at school (tried stealing a rubiks cube, wouldn’t stop singing when the teacher asked), overall she really did well this week. I was a lot more patient in my parenting. It was the hardest at homework time, but WE MADE IT THROUGH! I’m so proud of her! Hell, I’m so proud of ME because this week was quite the challenge. My boyfriends car was overheating, and just as he went to his car to drive to AutoZone for anti-freeze, he realized he had a flat tire. Flat tire meant that I had to be late to work im order to take the kids to school. This caused even more anxiety because I feel like I’m ALWAYS missing work for one reason or another, and now I have a doctors appointment Monday morning for my mystery headache.

I’m so glad the weather is going to be GREAT this upcoming week! WE DESERVE IT! Especially after the below freezing temperatures we had this week.

My kids are currently set up in the bouncy house in our living room. I hung a string of lights. Popped popcorn. They’re wrapped in their blankets with pillows watching a new movie on Netflix. See…I AM a fun mom.