Anyone else taken for granted on a daily basis? Just me? Oh. in Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of HAPPINESS

So yesterday was my first therapy appointment. I haven’t been to a therapist since I was pregnant with my daughter (she’s 6 now). I’ve been dealing with my anxiety disorder for 10 years now, but obviously things have been ultimately at their worst for me for the past 6 months or so. Not only is my anxiety at an all time high, but so is my depression. It’s so crazy though because for the last few days I’ve been in such a positive space. I felt like an imposter going to the therapist and wearing my happy mask....I mean, I felt TOO happy to be there honestly. I’m one of those people that don’t like to bring up negative things constantly especially when I’m in a positive space. Sometimes I can’t shake off the bad thoughts/feelings, so it seems counterproductive to bring them up when I’m in a good space.

The appointment went O…K. I don’t feel enlightened, and I don’t feel like I made any true connections. What I WAS able to do was voice some things that just sit in my head most of the time. I was able to say things out loud to another adult whose sole purpose is to sit there and listen. I wasn’t interrupted, I wasn’t invalidated, I wasn’t forced to stop and focus on someone else. I obviously know that ONE SESSION isn’t enough to change me. I will continue to see her. She was nice. Gave off some grandma vibes which is always kind of helpful when you’re having parenting issues. I just feel like I love my family so much that I don’t paint them in a BAD ENOUGH light. Does that even make sense? If I’m talking about how much of an angel my kids are then I’m really not driving the point across of how they sometimes make me want to drop them off at my moms and maybe never come back and pick them up. Or if I’m so busy talking up my boyfriends disability then I’m really not driving across the point that he’s turned into a hermit that has ZERO interest in me OR my kids. How he only likes to interact with them as a DISCIPLINARIAN and never shows them his love or softer side like he did the first year we were here. Or how I’m even here dealing with his B.S. because it’s the middle of a school year, and my kids are THRIVING in school. I’m suffering. They’re thriving. And someone has to take care of the man who recently had an amputation and lost his dog.

I did however let it be known that I feel like it’s my job to keep everyone alive. Everyone needs me. My needs are non-existent because by the time I have a moment to address them, I’m tired. Not only that, I literally have ZERO interest in any of the things that I normally love. I even sat down to write this very entry last night and lost interest after the first sentence. I need some sort of accountability with myself. I need to not only make time for me but make time for the things that I once loved and maybe my genuine love for those things will come back.

After arriving home from my appointment, I was greeted by my boyfriend who immediately complained about my kids doing what kids do. My daughter greeted me with tears when all I did was ask her to “come here”. I literally cannot say 2 words to her without her having a BREAKDOWN and crying. She asks a question and if the answer is not what she wants to hear then QUEUE THE FLOODGATES! My son…well he’s a special case because he just doesn’t listen at all. He’s socially off and just off in general. He’s developmentally behind. My point is, I was HAPPY until I came home…and then I started to think about the very real things that I could have been talking about instead of painting my family as an inaccurate depiction. I should have been talking about THESE moments, like where no one is happy at dinner because everyone has to be complaining about something all of the time. My boyfriend went and got he and my son chicken from Popeyes. My daughter goes “What am I going to eat?” and I just shrug because every time I cook or buy anything she turns her nose up and complains about eating. Due to her ADHD medicine ruining her appetite all together, my baby looks like she’s withering away. I bought some Pediasure Grow Milk for her. I don’t know what else to do. I want to change the medicine but I don’t want to go through what we went through when we first started this medicine. A minor change in anyone’s life in my household because a MAJOR change in mine. I’m so exhausted that I don’t want to deal with the fallout of anyone’s life. I’m babbling now. Anyway, so my daughter had cereal and then complained when I didn’t let her just mix fruity pebbles and chocolate cereal. So I just yelled “DO WHAT YOU WANT! NOBODY LISTENS TO ME! YOU RUN THIS HOUSE ANYWAY!” which probably wasn’t the healthiest thing to say. These people I live with are THIEVES OF JOY!

Maybe next therapy session, I will start with that!

Last updated February 17, 2022