Is there a cure for loneliness? in Feelings

Lately ive found myself feeling lonely. Not a “I’m lonely, maybe I should catch up with some friends” loneliness, but a true hole in my soul “I’m completely alone in this existence” loneliness feeling. I’m really struggling with it, and I’ve been taking it out on K, trying to point blame. Thing is, I KNOW enough to know this is MY pain, it’s a deep seated issue that will never get better until I address it and do some work on myself, but it still doesn’t change the immediate feeling and the external factors that contribute to the feeling. The biggest pain right now is the state of my relationship, and the distance between us. We have been working through these issues for months, but lately as soon as I enter a room, she leaves. Every time I look, she is on her phone chatting to someone else. J is turning 3 this year but with the cosleeping K did with him he is still so attached and will not sleep through the night without her. Every night she ends up in there when he cries out for her, so most nights she doesn’t bother coming to our bed, she goes straight in there with him. I start to get these self worth feelings like she would rather be talking with anyone else than me. The worst part is when I stay up late watching TV to numb myself, turn off all the lights, and i walk through a dark and empty house to an empty bed. It really hurts, it hurts my heart.

Thing is, I know this is probably how she has felt in the past when I have been wrapped up in work, I have a habit of being distant. Even when we are in the same room together, we barely have anything to say to each other (neither of us like small talk, so “weird weather today” will never do!). I often think if we didn’t have the kids, would we still be together? I’ve spoken to her about it and she says she just feels comfortable with me, ibfeel like home to her and she could this for another 70 years, I tell her I can’t live like this, I’d rather leave and be alone than spend the rest of my life like that. The thing is, she is comfortable because she is getting everything she needs, all her needs are met. She is provided for, she has friends to talk to about ‘stuff’, and anything I can’t provide she is fulfilling with her friends. On the other hand, I feel like I have to work my ass off to provide, I make the money and she spends it. We have no fire or physical passion in our relationship, and now I feel like I can’t even talk to her, none of my needs are met.

The worst of it started about 2 months ago when she met a family friend at a party and really hit it off. Since then they have been emailing back and forth ALL the time. I mean like literally All the time. There are about 10 emails back and forth every single day, sometimes more. Basically anytime I see her she is on the phone replying to another email. They have not skipped a day since they met. I stumbled across one of the emails and saw the way she writes to her, using strong words of praise and telling her how much she loves and adores her and how amazing their connection is.... The same sorts of things WE used to say to each other all those years ago. The same sort of relationship I naively thought was unique to Us, and now she has it with someone else. I mean WTF?! Now I’m jealous of a 65 year old woman??!! My logical mind thinks it’s crazy, but I can’t help the feelings. How can she have so much time and words for her but nothing for me? It really feels like cheating, like emotional cheating if that’s even a thing?! She doesn’t get the emotional stimulation she needs from me so she fulfills it elsewhere. I don’t get the physical fulfilment I need but you don’t see me going out sleeping around. In some messed up way I don’t really see the difference…

The whole situation is fucked really, it doesn’t help that my ex left me to start a relationship with her female best friend, but that’s a whole other story! I’m sure I hold some sort of issues from that still though.

Why am I so jealous, so POSSESIVE?! I hate feeling that way, and wish I could just turn it off, but the feelings are still there. She’s organised to have coffee with her 3 times now and because she is not available weekends it has to be weekdays, so I’ve got to make myself unavailable for potential work. Well, I’m sorry she is not available for weekends, but you know what? I’m not available weekdays so if your relationship is important to her maybe she can make a fucking weekend sacrifice for once?! I’m fucking making all the sacrifices here, and you wont even ask her if she can do a weekend because she told you once they weren’t convenient for her? Are you afraid of hurting her feelings? Are you afraid she’ll say no? Are you afraid of rejection? How about MY FEELINGS?!

Anyway, I feel like I have more to say but this entry is already disjointed and jumbled enough, plus I hate writing entries on my phone (although love the convenience of it!)

Last updated January 01, 2016