I'm trying to make it clear that getting half you just ain't enough in Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of HAPPINESS

So…after 17 days, I finally took my mom back home! It was bittersweet! I really enjoyed having her here. It was unfortunate that her last week here was in quarantine with Covid, but even then she was a source of comfort for us all. It’s a HUGE deal to me that my mom FINALLY came to my rescue. She’s always there for everybody, but I’ve always felt like somehow I came last because everyone else’s needs seemed more emergent. I don’t know how I would have gotten through any of this without her here. We literally drove the 2 hours there, dropped her off and turned right back around to come back home.

I thought for sure that I’d be taking another week off, but after last week and basically being ignored the entire week by my boyfriend I figured it’s time to go back to work. At least that will give me something to do. My boyfriend was supposed to have an appointment tomorrow at the hospital and somewhere along the lines the appointment was cancelled, so that just solidifies it. It was today (Sunday) that I found out that he cancelled the appointment. He tried to say they cancelled it, but why would they? I mean, he received the paperwork in the mail to our house WHILE he was still in the hospital for this appointment. If there’s one thing I learned while my mom was here it’s that I truly have to take a step back and just allow people to make their own decisions no matter how terrible. Every time I suggest something medical-wise to him, he’s ALWAYS against it. Even if it’s in his best interests. It’s frustrating feeling like my opinions aren’t valued, but…it IS his life. If he wants to be smug about this entire process, I’ll let him do that. I’m here if he needs me, but I’ll let him take over. I cannot keep working so hard for something for someone that doesn’t seem to want it or appreciate it.

Now it’s just time for me to focus on myself and plot my exit this Summer.

Oh…get this. So the other night I was talking to my boyfriend and I said “You know what we should do for my moms last night here?” and he was like “Have her babysit so we can go out?” and I was like…WOW that’s a good idea. LOL. I honestly had been so caught up in my depression, my motherhood drama and all of this medical shit to think about us actually going out which we never get to do because we don’t have anyone to babysit the kids. The last time we went out was my birthday because I had driven my kids 2 hours to my moms. ANYWAY, so yesterday my mom and the kids and I were out all day. It was a beautiful day, I took her out to see the river and some sights downtown, and then we took the kids to the park (it was 60 degrees) and then we went to a store I love. I was going through the clothing and picked out a sexy outfit and even called my boyfriend for him to choose the color that I was going to wear. I found and outfit…one part of it being non-refundable because it’s a mesh bodysuit that will for sure be up my ass. The bottoms just so happened to match perfectly with the body suit....ANYWAY, I even bought jewelry. Guess what? We ended up not going anywhere. We got into a little bitching session back and forth because I came into the kitchen to cook and I told his dog to get out of the kitchen because she was scratching like crazy and she sheds EVERYWHERE (I could literally take the broom across the floor right now and make a HUGE pile of dog hair). My rule is the dog can’t be in the kitchen while I’m cooking or eating. PERIOD. That’s always been the rule…he seemed to take offense to this because my kids were coming into the kitchen to talk to me and I didn’t make them get out like I made the dog get out. It makes no goddamn sense. I don’t even know if I can make it to Summer living here. I feel SINGLE as FUCK. Before you ask if I’ve talked to him about it....I have, REPEATEDLY. And this week I kept telling him over and over how I was truly feeling and no attempts were made to try to mend things or at least be attentive to my needs. Nor has he gotten his head out of his ass to actually come out of the room and engage with us as a FAMILY. His only interaction with my kids nowadays seems to just be negative…and him complaining about something they’re doing. That’s it. Anyway, after the bitching session, I guess the whole talk of taking me out went out the window and here I am once again with another outfit thats gone to waste because I’m the only one trying and putting forth effort.

If I had friends here I definitely would have made use of that outfit. SEE THROUGH WITH ALL THE GOODIES OUT!!! Well, not ALL of the goodies. I want to go out. I want to be with someone that is happy and proud to be with me....everything that he used to love about me, he just ignores now. Everything about me that would drive another man wild…is something he doesn’t bat an eyelash at anymore. It’s CRAZY!

Gotta go, I’ve been beckoned to wrap his leg. TTYL!