I feel better in just testing

after a night's sleep on it.

I'm not gonna throw the condoms away just because my sister got pregnant.

I talked to my sis again last night and she's happy but she's worried. They are in the process of looking for houses, she thinks they should have already chosen one by now but they haven't found one yet.

Also her hubby got drunk for the holiday weekend and she's worried he's not mature enough for this.

Plus she has all the worries I do about the loss of freedom and the financial burden.

I wouldn't want to be in her shoes right now, all the uncertainty. And there's no going back now. The baby is there, inside her. So whether she's ready or not, it's coming - God willing.

I know my reasons for not having a child are selfish - I just wanna spend the money on myself! But...

I grew up POOR. My mom was alone and I was aware enough at a young age to not even ask for things because it hurt her to not be able to afford it. I got made fun of for my clothes a little bit. Not a ton, but some cause I was basically a t-shirt and jeans kid.

I got my first REAL job when I was 26. I mean I worked since I was 16 but my first good paycheck was at 26 and I felt rich for a minute. I was still living at home, paying no bills so my money was my own and I was shopping at nicer stores, etc.

Then my parents thought it was time for me to move out and I started paying rent and electricity and I went back to being broke again.

Then I lost my nice paying job and now at (almost) 33 I make half the money I made at 26 and I racked up a ton of debt so now I'm broke again.

You guys that read me see that I don't do anything for myself. I maybe go out to dinner with a friend once a week. I haven't bought new clothes since probably last summer. I don't get my hair, nails, eyebrows done. I haven't bought any songs on ITunes in a year LOL. I buy groceries and gas - that's it.

My debt is almost paid off now. And I will have money for MYSELF again.

And I WANT to be SELFISH. I want new furniture and décor for my place. I want new clothes and a pedicure for the summer. I want to go to dinner at a nice place and get anything I like, instead of picking the cheapest thing on the menu and a pizza place. I want to save for a cruise and maybe even a new car. My car isn't broken but it is nearing 10 years old [I bought it used] and it SUCKS in snow and ice. I'd LOOOOVE to have a bigger, heavier car that I could trust to get me to work in the snow. Hell, maybe we'd even move to a bigger place - maybe a town house type thing with a little yard for BBQ's.

I WANT things.

And if, after I get my debt paid off, I get pregnant and have to use all my free money for expensive daycare and lose all my freedom to ever go out and do anything fun again without bothering someone to babysit my kid[s] - goodbye cruise, goodbye safe car, goodbye town house and HELLO STRESS.

THAT'S how I really feel about it.

IF Will was making so much money that I could be a stay at home mom in a 2 bedroom place - I'd probably have kids in a heartbeat because then I could focus on my kid without being stressed out over working or money. I wouldn't even mind him not helping because I have 24/7 to do whatever I need with the kids.

I just doubt we'll ever be a 1 income family - so I doubt we'll ever have kids. It's a dream I have to let go of. But when you see someone else living your dream, it hurts. But in the end - no one is living my dream.

I have lots of friends who have kids - and they are either working or if they don't work they are always stressed about money because they are barely making ends meet.

In my fancy daycare - usually 1 parent is a doctor and the mom's are usually stay at home moms that drop off their kids part time so they can do yoga! Their houses have pools, they have nice big cars, and they go on month long vacations in the summer or go to their beach houses all summer long.

If I had THAT life - kids wouldn't even be a question.

But that's not my life - and probably never will be. SO.... instead of having a kid that I may regret due to the burden it places on my freedom and finances - I'm choosing to take the little free money I have and spend it on me - and my family.

Will's sis is a single mom - we always make sure that kid has everything he needs at Christmas. We just gave her a $400 cause her cat needed surgery and she was considering putting it down cause she couldn't afford it.

And now with my sister being pregnant - you can be sure she and her child will have everything I can give to make her life easier.

I think that I could be a great Aunt to the children in my life and still be happy going home to my childfree life at the end of the day. If I had my own kid I wouldn't be able to be as generous.

And I'm ok with that. I hope my sister has a girl [though she wants a boy] so I can dress it up fancy.