Coming to terms with it in just testing

Such a weird place to be in my head right now.

I'm happy for my sister and it's not like I wish to BE her.

What I really wish is that I had gotten my body in shape, been scholarly and ambitious and got a good paying job and married a man who really wanted children.

That's what bubbles up inside of me when people close to me get pregnant.

I wish I had a different life that made being pregnant a positive possibility for me.

But that's not my life. I'm too fat to get pregnant. To broke to raise a child. And the icing on the cake is that I married a man with NO desire to be a father.

Why did I do that to myself? If I wanted to be a mom, why did I place all these roadblocks?

I love Will, I do. I wouldn't change marrying him. He's a wonderful man and we're good together.

And... I don't even know if I REALLY want to have kids. When I was young and wanted to be a mom all I thought about was dressing a cute little baby up.

I was not thinking about the loss of freedom, the financial burden, the life long responsibility - not to mention the frustration and fear of maybe not having a 100% healthy child.

And as a child you don't think of those things, or even as a young adult - but I'm grown now, and I am thinking about it and I don't know if I want to take all that on just because it's the traditional thing to do.

AND even if I was ready for all that - am I ready to do it alone? I see Will 4 Saturdays and 2 Sundays a month. Even if he had the desire to be a dad he's not around for it.

And if I had a child with him I couldn't even be mad that he wouldn't be around to help because I knew his schedule before I got pregnant - so I set myself up for it.

It's not logical for me to have a kid now - and maybe not ever. But it makes me feel... sad... when I see other people take the plunge.

My sister's scenario is different than mine though. They make more money - they're in the process of buying a house, they had in laws who will care for the kid, she can take a few months off in the slow winter season AND she has a husband who has always wanted children.

My mom has always been honest with us about the fact that if she had to do it all over again she wouldn't have kids. She was a divorced, single mom with no child support coming in. It was a hard life for her. She now thinks me and my sister should just save our money for vacations and luxuries and life our lives for ourselves - instead of for children.

When my sister told me she was pregnant I laughed. I didn't have words and didn't know how to express the emotions going on. I regained myself and we talked about it and we're fine.

She was worried to tell my mom because of my mom's view on kids but she did anyway and my mom was negative about it. Saying that she didn't think they were ready and with her husband's past [the online sites he (almost) cheated on her with] she didn't think they're married would even last forever.

I went over to my mom's for the holiday and tried to bring it up twice - I mean we just got the news this morning that she's pregnant - and my mom brushed it off. Didn't wanna talk about it. Could my mom really be upset over my sister having a kid?

Now what's going through my mind is #1 I gotta plan a baby shower #2 she's going to expect me to do diapers - which freaks me out cause I've never done one and I almost thought I'd go my whole life without having to.

I told Will and he didn't really talk about it either. He didn't ask how I felt. He knows it's a sensitive subject so he probably just didn't want to open up a can of worms right before work.

Oh yea, he tells me yesterday afternoon that he's working today and tomorrow.

He loves that extra $150 a week more than me, I'm convinced. Ordered himself a brand new big TV. I got a treadmill, a diamond necklace, he got a TV and all we give up is time with each other.

Though I should say that if I didn't have any of it and had time with him, I'd take it. He's the one addicted to the OT money. And he knows it upsets me every time there's a weekend I don't see him. So now he just waits till the last possible second to tell me ... that's mature .

Forget even having kids with him when I don't even want to sleep with him at the moment. He tried to get some this morning before work and after me telling him my sister is PREGNANT - which is cooly brushed off.

Yea, not feeling very sexy right now.

There's nothing he can say to make anything better, which I'm sure is why he didn't really say anything.

I wish I had a clue about how my life was gonna turn out.

And I feel bad putting all the blame on Will when it's not true because even though he wasn't super interested in kids he was willing to try for kids because I wanted to and I put a stop to it.

He would never deny me kids. If I said I wanted to, he'd do it BUT I don't feel that WE are ready and I don't know if we ever will be ready for a multitude of reasons.

Plus the fact that maybe I do want to live life for me instead of a child. I want vacations. I want spending money for clothes, nails, etc. To take care of me. I don't want to be at the beck and call of a kid's homework, or when a kid is sick, or when I kid has a dance receital. I DO want to be in control of ME.

I'm so confused about what I REALLY want but I know, until I'm sure, I don't want to have a kid because it's an irreversible mistake in my book. Once I get pregnant, if I ever do, there's no going back and I'm scared I'll regret it. I don't want to have a kid I regret. I also don't want to look back on my life and regret not having one.

I just don't know what to do about it.

But I know it can't be now - we don't even have room for one. Will we ever be able to afford a house? Would we need to buy a house if we don't plan on having kids?

I'm stuck.