no risk, no reward in growing pains

feeling really sad about myself. feeling like a failure for not being able to open applications for things that i want, much less fill out the applications. i’ve been like this for months. those applications have been in the back of my head, i kept procrastinating, now it’s december. we’re almost a week through december. the deadlines are basically now. i couldn’t do it.

am i just gonna live my life like this? being dictated by my anxiety and low self-worth, which feel goddamn impossible to resolve? when are things gonna start clicking? when am i gonna move toward my dreams, and feel passion, and confidence, and when am i gonna respect myself and feel respected?

i feel like i had a lot of potential, and i’ve been spending months, years, wasting it away because at least there’s certainty in failure. by choosing failure and sabotaging my dreams, i have control, right? i’m not putting my head on the chopping block for anything. no risk, no reward is so much more reliable than high risk, high reward. the question is, am i gonna keep choosing no risk no reward until it’s simply too painful to keep living my life that way? and waste even more years, build up even more regrets, in the process?

i wish someone would believe in me and invest in me and connect with me and pull me out of this rut.