going too far in 2021

12:25

I am currently sitting at home alone. Perhaps this will spark more writing time. We’ll see.

I know I didn’t finish writing yesterday. It’s hard to muster up the energy at the end of the day. All I really wanted to do was lie on the couch and not move. I’m hoping some day my energy levels will go back to normal. This doesn’t feel normal at all. Like literally every movement feels like too much. It’s hard because there is so much I want/need to do and I just can’t get up and do it. I do have a good burst of energy every now and then, so I’m hopeful there will be more in the future.

It seems like the decision about the hip replacement has been decided for me. My brother called my mom yesterday and said that he didn’t have his results back yet, didn’t know if he’d start treatment Friday, but he needed her to drive up any way to help.

This is big for my brother. The fact that he’s asking for help. I know he definitely needs it. I mean I mentioned he hadn’t spoken to my mom in years, right? It’s a big deal for sure.

Apparently he spoke with his therapist yesterday and she suggested he definitely needs to get a nurse or someone to help him at home. I don’t know what has happened since I was there in September but it sounds much worse.

We were already kind of planning for mom to leave today, since we assumed he’d start treatment Friday, but since we hadn’t heard 100% we weren’t completely prepared. I know she’s stressed out about it and I feel so bad for her. I mean it’s a 14+ hour drive. As soon as we heard [well I overheard] I started looking up hotels. Today she’ll drive just over 8 hours to stay at this casino in Oregon she’s always liked. We used to stay there all the time when we visited my uncle [ugh I miss that guy]. She left just before 7 this morning so she should get there before dark. She might even have a chance to get a massage if they have space. That would be wonderful. She’s been needing one and I know it’ll help a lot. Fingers crossed schedules work out.

Tomorrow she’ll drive another 6+ hours to get to my brother up in Washington. I booked her a hotel until Monday. At that time she can decide if she feels comfortable enough to stay at my brothers. I know it’s not as bad as when I went, but I’m sure it’s not up to our standards. She’ll probably work on cleaning it up and then figure it out. She can always stay longer at the hotel. It’s not like we don’t have the money, but we’ll see what happens.

I know this whole thing is stressful, and inconvenient, but he needs help and we don’t have anyone else. Every thing happens for a reason. We always say that. And I think one of the reasons is to get those two talking again and back into a good place. I tried to coach mom as much as I could about mental illness and I tried to remind my brother that her generation didn’t believe in any of that. It was hidden or people were labeled “crazy” and that’s about it. We’re all still fighting to get mental health disorders out into the open. Hopefully they’ll both stay open enough to learn from each other and not start fighting.

So long story not short at all, I think I’m officially postponing until after the season next year. Unless some kind of unexpected opportunity arises of course.

I was reading the “on this day” entry from yesterday and holy cow apparently I was dealing with this hip issue in 2017. How do I not remember that? I mean it’s totally possible that my hip’s been this bad since then and we just never knew.

The part that really got me though: ”…I don’t want to be held back by my own torturous mind. If I’m not going to let some physical ailment hold me back I’m certainly not going to let an emotional one get in the way. At least that’s my hope. I hope I’m strong enough to get through this and can start to live my life again…without the pain.”

There was all this talk about quitting guys and wanting to be happy with my own life again.
Turns out I’ve failed so far [not on the guy part - I found an amazing one!]. I’ve done the exact opposite because I’ve let my physical ailments hold me back. Most importantly, I’ve let the emotional ones completely drag me down and I haven’t done anything to fix them. Four freaken years and I’ve made no progress.

My life is so good and I’m letting it all go to waste. I’m living in this constant struggle of being able to move and I’m forgetting to enjoy all the things I can do. All the moments that are still good in this world. Ugh. How’d I let it get this far?

Today I’m grateful for the quiet space to hear my thoughts and peppermint mocha coffee creamer.

rose.
14:04