I just can't believe how blessed I truly am. I got kind of mad at Lou last pm for something stupid... I was just being stupid sensitive. It wasn't even a big deal but when I went to bed I had a major headache so I kept waking up throughout the night and I'm going to guess that I may have had a bad dream about him or something because when I woke up this am, I was just plain pissed at him. I just felt all day like I needed some distance. He texted me this am and we chatted via text for just a little while before I told him that I had to get some packing done and that we could chat later. I didn't talk to him all day after that. I really was busy but I was also just enjoying the time to myself. I guess I just need that from time to time.
I went to work and I got home late. I didn't contact him and I didn't check my email till a little after 5. He sent me an email with a sweet song that he knows I like. He said that he is thinking of me and that he loves me. Then he said he got the feeling from me that I was either tired or not having a good day. So he sent me the song with pretty scenic pics attached that he though I would like. I could not believe how sweet that was of him. I really couldn't believe that he sensed that mood from me. I didn't think I was being short with him at all or anything like that. But he did and when I saw the email I called him to thank him. He told me that it's his job to make me feel better when I'm stressed out like that.
I have never ever in my life heard a man say something like that to me.
I feel bad that it hasn't penetrated me yet. I know it's all a good thing. And I know that later on today or maybe even later in the week I'm going to be like mush over the whole thing.
I just had a revelation.
I think that I'm just so used to being hurt and rejected that I put up these barriers so that I can't feel things initially. Something to save face. Something so that that I can deal with the situation without having a complete melt down in the process. But I always go home and process it all later. I have always had delayed reactions to various situations throughout my life. I just didn't realize it till right now. It's a fantastic defense mechanism but unfortunately, it can't differentiate between good and bad emotions. I am touched by what he did, really. But it's almost like I feel nothing. I know that it's a good thing. I just can't feel it yet.
I know that this experience is just further proof that Lou and I were meant to be. He is the one I was meant to be with at this stage of my life.
I know it was in our life plans to be here for each other at this stage. I know we were meant to help each other heal. In fact, I have come to the realization that healing is my life's plan. That is what I was put on this earth to do.
I just wish I had the intelligence to be a doctor. I feel like I could do so much good there.
But given the lack of at least academic intelligence, I have to believe that I wasn't meant to be that kind of healer. I was meant to help heal people in a different way... a way that only I can. I plan on pursuing my education to become a nurse. I can reach more people that way. I can help to heal with medicine that way. But I can also help to heal peoples wounded heart and soul. That is what I was meant to do. And Lou is at the top of that list. I was really meant to help to heal him. And he is the one who is going to help to heal me. I feel like I finally have sight of God's plan for me. And I believe that God sent Lou to be by my side as I make my way through this world.
Thank you God :)