I have NOT been okay in Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of HAPPINESS
- Oct. 26, 2021, 5:22 p.m.
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- Public
…and that is okay.
Whilst, my Post-Covid Chest pains (mentioned in previous entry) have stopped, I now have POST-COVID DEPRESSION! Woohoo! Like..it’s been bad. I thought I’ve been low before, but I have WAY WAY WAY more bad days than I do good days. A single thought can high jack my entire day! I have COMPLETE DAYS that are panic attack ridden. It’s BAD! And I can never pin point what specifically is setting it off. 2020 and 2021 were already depressing enough? Covid sucked before I had it…then I got it and now my life feels 200 times worse. I’m one of the “lucky ones” because I survived unlike my aunt who passed away 9/23/21 from Covid. Anyway, I’m writing this so that I can feel like I can move on. I want to move on from this rut that I’ve been in. It doesn’t help that my kids contribute to my anxieties 100000%, plus it being fall and Cold and Flu and Allergy season. Every sniffle that persists for longer than a day makes me get myself or the kids tested. I’m tired of feeling so hyper aware and hypervigilant, and on edge and just ready to pounce (or croak) at any minute. Why on Earth would my body choose to torture me like this?
Anyway, writing about it means acknowledging that it happened, so here I am.
I’m going to be looking into my company’s EAP where I will get access to free therapy sessions. I really WANT to be medicated at this point. My kids deserve a more alert and less “just surviving mama”. I fight to LIVE every day. I’m not saying that I’m suicidal, I’m saying that when the depression kicks in, I have to reach deep into myself to attempt to suppress it even if only for a moment. If that doesn’t work then I MASQUE it like HELL and I put on a smiling face for my kids because I’m their mom and they need me. I need them! So…I fight for LIFE! I literally FEEL myself fighting to not disassociate and to stay present and to not drift off into negativity land. Once, I get there it’s hard to come back, but I fight like hell everyday anyway.
The Dress Collector ⋅ October 28, 2021
Good for you for getting the care you need. I hope you're able to find someone great through the EAP. My anxiety was getting the best of me earlier this year, and I asked my doctor for some meds (not a decision I took lightly). It helped so much. I hope you find what you need.
iwontsugarcoat The Dress Collector ⋅ October 29, 2021
Thank you so much! It's so encouraging to hear about other people that were able to reach out and get the help they need!! You're not alone!