within me in 2021

11:18am

Don’t tell my boss, but I’m actually in the middle of attending a virtual convention right now. I’m mostly paying attention. It’s not really specified to our group any more so there is a lot of info I don’t really need.

To be honest, there’s probably a lot more I could be doing with this job and with my clients, but my heart isn’t fully committed to this job. The only reason I even started here is because mom wanted to take over the office and needed help. At the time I was only supposed to move home for a year. Here we are 10 years later though. sigh I wish I could convince myself to get a little more involved in all facets of this environment. I think there’s just too many other things going on with/within me.

I’m hoping to start fixing one of those issues soon, but I’m not sure it’ll happen. I got x-rays done on my RT hip yesterday. Saw the radiologists assessment last night. He compared them to the ones I had done at the end of November 2020. Still seeing “severe degenerative disease” in the joint, space narrowing, spurring, etc. At least he said the bones and soft tissue still look good. In comparison to the scans not even a year ago he says it’s gotten worse. Glad to know I’m not just imagining the increased pain/discomfort. But that means we’re closer to the replacement and the rest of my joint swelling is still not improving the way we want. Radiologist recommended orthopedic consult and luckily I already have my appointment scheduled for the 5th. So many questions to ask!

The biggest issue I wish I could improve is the fatigue. I’m so drained all day long. It doesn’t matter if I get four hours of sleep or ten. Most of the time it’s closer to four, which obviously makes things worse. It’s a combination of every thing really: pain waking me up, my body/mind almost being afraid to even attempt sleep because of that, the anemia, inflammation, empty sleep bank, discomfort, etc., etc…

I had this dream a few nights ago [don’t remember much about it] and I woke up with the concept that if “I start to heal my mind; I’ll be able to heal my body.” I think it’s something I’ve known, and continue to know inside. The transition isn’t happening though. I tried meditation for a while, but haven’t been able to stick with it. Haven’t put the effort in to the process of trying to find a therapist. At least I’ve always been pretty good at shrinking myself. I know the thoughts/memories/history I need to lean into. It’s the actual leaning that’s the problem. I’m sure someone can help me figure this out; just don’t have the energy right now.

One of the most important areas I need to lean into and pull apart is also one I’m a little embarrassed to admit. Mostly because I realized a couple weeks ago that the majority of it occurred almost 4 years ago! If you’ve been around long enough [any one even out there any more?] you know I’m talking about the TF debacle. ugh. So dumb and so long ago, but I know I haven’t unpacked it yet. I never took the time because the rest of my life was falling down around me.

Then of course I met EC and fell into real love with him and I shoved all that other nonsense to the very recesses of my mind. Only it’s not “nonsense” if there is some thing still within me that says I need to process it all these years later.

It didn’t help that he popped up a few weeks ago either. Thank you Mercury retrograde. -_- [Funny enough I actually looked it up and it started a few days before he showed up in my office.] First time I’ve seen him since pre-covid. So it was weird and brought up a bunch of old stuff. I think I spoke to him maybe once during the beginning of the year. All was fine. I mean he’s nice enough to me, actually asked about my leg and how I was doing, all that normal stuff.

I’ll get into all that later. I better save this before I get too distracted and potentially lose the entry.

rose.
15:54