Conflicting Conflict in The Kid Used To Dream

One thing I have never been able to master of my own emotions is feeling of being the last to know. I’m not sure what it is that upsets me about that so much. I remember once at an office I used to work at there was a rumor that circulated that didn’t have anything to do with me - but the very idea I was the only one that didn’t know bothered me so bad. The same goes with finding out some things from my family that they neglect to fill me in on till I’m the last to know. It absolutely drives me up the wall. It probably makes me the most angry.

I figure the reason I become the most angry about this is because I feel as though I’m not trusted. The truth is that I don’t talk at all when I’m told not to. Maybe, that is the reason it upsets me most is tied to trust.

Trust is a very fragile thing with me. I am unusually okay with the worse news so long as I’m in the loop from the start. And it really doesn’t matter if you do something that betrays my trust in you - I’m 200% quick to forgive and carrying on with you. However, the moment you make me feel as though I can’t be trusted - that’s when I turn into an emotional wreck. At that point, it’s best that we’d never known one another because I can’t get the demand for me to regain that trust from you out of my mind- and forgiveness is not an option it seems. It’s a flaw in my DNA that will cause the fastest wall to be built once I believe you don’t trust me. If you don’t trust me then it’s best we never communicate again - EVEN if you try to make me believe I can be trusted in all other areas. That one thing will plague me forever. It can be as simple as a misunderstanding. At a former job, I left when my immediate supervisor retired. The replacement made it clear they wanted to outsource my job. It was October of that year and I had until December 31. I was the system’s admin for our office. I communicated with our software engineer that I didn’t want to set the new supervisor up on the system for transparency. There was already hard feelings about my having to leave. I repeatedly requested they get with the software engineer to get their credentials in the system. They refused until their first day as supervisor which was the day after I had resigned. Well, the new supervisor had an office full of customers needing information that the new supervisor could not provide because they could not get into the system. Also, unbeknownst to me the outgoing supervisor had deleted all of his personal excel spreadsheets and system cheat sheets that he had created. Technically, those items were his intellectual property. A few months later I get asked - why did you sabotage the computers when you left so the new supervisor couldn’t work? That one statement was embarrassing, and made me furious. Now, it felt like I couldn’t be trusted and it was the supervisor’s failure to secure their admin credentials prior to their first day.

Whatever it is that makes me feel this way I wished it didn’t. I have walked away from meaningful relationships over it because there is just no repairing broken trust apparently.

Maybe one day …

Last updated October 15, 2021