It's been a long time in Diary

It's been a long time since I've written. I've retreated into my shell like I have a tendency to do when things aren't going well. Every time I cut myself off from everyone, I can only take being alone for so long before I eventually can't stand it anymore and I crawl back out of my shell. This isn't the first time I've said this, but when I write in my diary regularly, no matter how depressing my entries seem, I'm doing a lot better than when I neglect writing and reading, and noting, like I've been doing the past while.

I'm still not sure what to do about my "novel". I can't decide whether I should let it die or start writing again until I finish the first draft. If I look at the project logically, I'm not too hard on myself. I can look at my writing and recognize what's good and what's bad, and I know I can rewrite the bad parts until they're either gone, or good. I realize, from a logical perspective, that I'm not stuck with a large pile of garbage. I can work with garbage. It's more difficult to work with nothing, to write something from scratch, pull it out of thin air.

So that's been on my mind. One thing I can promise you, and myself, is that if I continue writing, it will greatly reduce my anxiety and depression. It'll give me something healthy to obsess over. That's one thing I've noticed about writing fiction, the obsession it awakens in me. All I think about is the writing when I'm in the process. Can anyone else relate to that? Does that happen to any of you when you write?

This evening I went to my mom's house with my dad for dinner. It was really nice to be around people. And I enjoy spending time with my parents. I helped my mom update her phone with the latest operating system. Anyway, all in all, a good day, a nice evening.

I've felt depressed today, who knows why, but there have been some good moments. I went to the store and did the weekly shopping. Did a little gaming when I got back before I left for my mom's place. I feel like to much of a nerd to elaborate on the gaming, but it was good times.

My reading of "Learned Pessimism" has sort of fallen by the wayside since I finished the chapter on depression. According to the author, and to the test I took, I'm very depressed and I should seek professional help immediately. Of course I finished the chapter a couple weeks ago. Immediately might take a while. I'm sort of working on it, though. There's a church I'm in contact with, and through them I can get free professional counseling. I know that because I got some counseling through their channels back when I was a teenager. So I'll get around to it. Sooner than later. They are very nice, helpful, accommodating. Anyway, so there's that. I can handle being depressed, though, pretty well. Too well, some might argue.

It's started getting hot. It's 2:22 AM now, and I'm still feeling overheated. I'm not a big fan of heat, or summer. I like all the growth that happens during summer, but I don't like the yard work that goes along with it. I've been neglecting the hedges a bit, I must confess. Sometime soon I'll have to trim them back.

I'm tired, but I feel so awake at the same time. I'd just go to bed if I could, but I have too much nervous energy. And I don't know why. I know I'm tired because the idea of doing anything seems like more effort than it's worth. And its. I'll see. I dunno.

Sometimes, like now, I hate to end entries, but I've said what I have to say for today. I hope everyone is doing well. I'll catch up on the reading and noting sometime between tonight and tomorrow. Alright then, take care.