I dont feel like hosting a party and being a Mistress and finding an apartment and getting back to work. I dont feel like fending off a somewhat innapropriate boss and fighting with case managers and sitting on a waiting list before I can see a doctor. I dont feel like doing dishes and laundry and unpacking just so I can repack, move, and unpack again. I dont feel like figuring out how ima go back to school with a broken computer and matching the paint where my son colored on the wall with sharpies. I dont feel like creating a whole new life here, finding a church, finding a lover, going out for drinks and swimming and getting to know new people and figuring out how to have a sex life while living with a child. I dont feel like doing any of it.
I just want someone to hold me. Or acknowledge me when I hold them. I want someone to tell me I got this and look into my eyes and kiss me. I want someone to brush my hair and tell me how much I mean to them. Can we skip the part where I have to meet them, get to know them, fall in love with them, arrange my schedule and life around them? Can we skip the first fight and the tears and the hopelessness? Can we skip the trying to find time to see each other and go straight to the part where we go ride roller coasters and hold hands and kiss?
Can I just relax for once and be happy in my own skin? Can I stop feeling like I dont belong anywhere? Can I just have someone that feels like home and keep them?
I want a puppy.
Will someone buy me a new life for my birthday?
And maybe some damn sleeping pills.