I thought I knew Grief in My life....I can't make this shit up!

I thought I knew Grief. I thought I understood it and knew how to process it. After all, I help people process their feelings all the time. I’ve lived through a lot of grief. I lost my favorite grandparents at 11 and my other grandparents just a few years ago. I grieved a slew of pets. I’ve had 10 miscarriages and mourned the loss of those babies, admittedly some affected me more than others. I grieved my marriage when that ended, and a couple other relationships too. But I’ve never, NEVER felt grief like this. Losing Mom has been the worst feeling in the world. The hardest thing to comprehend. It feels like I’ll never heal. Because it’s not just the loss of my mother. It’s the loss of my best friend. My confidante. My biggest support. Learning to navigate the world without her has been like I’m moving through a fog and I can’t see what’s in front of me. Sometimes I can’t see what’s behind me as well, and I forgot what was there.
Today was a hard day. I had a dream last night with Mom in it, but then when I woke up it was almost like I had lost her all over again. It cut deep. Usually when I feel bad in the mornings I can shake it off, or I’ll let myself cry a while l, then I plow on with my day. I just couldn’t do that today. I tried. But I kept crying. No, I was sobbing. Nothing worked. I ended up leaving work at 1130. I went to the beach. Then to Lowes. Then Barns and Noble, then to Wawa. As I sit and wait for Cam to get out of school I finally feel calm enough to focus on writing. I miss Mom. I miss her several times a day. Hopefully as time goes on I will learn to live with her memory and accept she’s not here. I know she is happy. I know she is no longer in pain. I know she has her dignity and she is with her parents, whom she had missed deeply for 24 years. I know she comes around to check on us. But I would do anything to have her back.