I started watching a show on Netflix about a stalker. I think it’s called ‘You’. It reminded me hands down of Jay. . . And made me miss him. So heres the thing. I know he’d be thrilled to death to see me miserable and missing him while hes about to celebrate his 6 year anniversary with the girl he decided was better than me in an instant after stalking me for over a decade. But my missing him is merely a side effect of his stalking me. Maybe my loving him is too. Maybe if he was there and I could have him right now I wouldn’t even want that anymore. But I miss the way his mind works.
I’ve spent alot of time lamenting on here and saying over and over how I regret the past and how much I miss him, and if I’m being honest, that’s still true more often than not. But there’s something I havent said to Jay on here. So even though he’s not reading this I’m gonna go ahead and say it.
I know Jay. I know how much effort you put into me. Wasted effort because it was all underhanded. If you had had the balls to keep talking to me one on one… without your cunt of a sister trying work against you, then maybe it would have worked and everything would have been much simpler. Because at some point I hit an age were I realised that I dont actually need live or some fantasy relationship. I need a stable, reliable partner. That’s harder to find. Hell, it’s hard to provide too. But you didn’t.
Like a coward, you hid and tried to manipulate my life from hiding.
You think I don’t know all the things you’ve done.
Jay, I know.
I know you approached love interests and scares them away or manipulated then into doing what you wanted, that you used them to try to control me.
I know that you used similar techniques on roomates and friends. Whichever technique got you what you wanted from them, that’s what you did.
I know you hacked my phone, hell I handed it to you. I know you recorded me at private moments and edited pieces and shared them with the world to make me look bad.
You desperately tried to change me into the person you wanted me to be.
How did that work out for you?
I know all the things you said and did to the people in my life to get them to do what you wanted them to do. Most of them told me. You thought you had them under your thumb, that they were too scared to tell me, but the thing is: many of them were too scared NOT to. even when I didnt believe them. They loved me more than they feared you.
And the others? The ones who said nothing? They didn’t have to. You kept the threats and terror fresh in their mind for me to read. I didn’t always understand, but now I do.
You had one and only one advantage. PTSD. That you caused. Or exasperated, maybe, I’m still unclear of that. But I repressed memories of you. And you knew I’d always forget eventually so you could go back to the drawing board and try again. Your only advantage was taking advantage of my weakness. You thought it was merely enough time away that made me forget you. You were wrong. It was you that made me forget you. But guess what?
Repressed memories arent lost memories. And now I have them all back. I remember with supernatural clarity every time you changed your story to make me like you more. Everytime you reintroduced yourself. Every sweet or terrible thing you ever did or said. To me AND about me.
You have no cards left.
And if you were still trying to ensure I’d be yours in the future as a plan B I’d tell you this: all you ever had to do was be honest. And keep being honest. And keep being you. And that’s all it would take to win me. It’s all it ever would have.
Just think about all that damn wasted effort.
I’d also tell you, if you were still trying to win me… that you should probably hurry up and let me know. Because apparently I’ve hit my 10 minutes of fame over here in this new place. And my inbox is flooded. And I have options. And it you decide to keep Ms. Perfect after all, you better hope it’s the right choice because theres a good chance that by the time you change your mind, I’ll be married again. Not because I fell in live but because I found something I needed more than love.
Pity when all those child like dreams of true love die to a more practical way of thinking. It’s like watching unicorns get slaughtered and pixies get tortured…and not caring.
So happy anniversary bro, heres all the salt I try so hard to put away and never let out thinking itll disappear if I’m positive enough about life. Happy 6 years, only one to go right?
And happy belated birthday. I have a list of things I wanted to send to you. And I DO know where to send them. I’m just polite enough not to use someone’s address without permission. (Just because you can doesn’t mean you should kid.) Maybe someday I’ll be at a social distance close enough to be able to give you gifts without it being wierd.
Meanstwhile I’ll sit and wait for the cute pictures you and your girl post every year. You are everyone’s dream couple. People rant and rave about how awesome a couple you are. I’m sure that’s exactly how you planned it. It’s not hard to do. But it’s few a cheetah that can change its stripes. So as much as I try to believe otherwise and enjoy your little fantasy romance like a viewer watching a film… I know there’s more going on than you allow social media to see.
One more thing before I go Jay. You didn’t love me because I reminded you of your mom. You loved me because I reminded you of you. And you love you! If you ever got close again you’d see that maybe that hasn’t changed much. We’ve both grown up amd matured and improved and become better people. But you are better at putting on a show. I know better. You don’t want people to see that you can do things that are supposed to be impossible. So you’re a show and I’m a wallflower with “no useful skills”. (Sarcasm)
Fair thee well.
Now I need to stop dwelling on the past and figure out what I actually want so I can go make it happen. But you know how that goes.
Love ya Jay.
Be seeing you.