We were arguing at the house. I can’t remember what about, but I never seem to remember. He did his usual- trap me, hold me emotionally hostage, suffocate me. He always did this to break me; to push me past the point of emotional and mental breakdown.
“See? You’re crazy.”
He would reduce me to tears; beyond producing any rational thought. All I remember is being so disoriented that everything I knew moments ago was suddenly warped and distorted.
I told him that I felt crazy. That I felt all this pain and it never went away- that I was never enough for him, despite the desperate fight to be “better” in his eyes. I was hurting… so deeply, so badly, so constantly.
“Please leave me alone” I moaned between gasps.
I begged him to give me some space to gather myself, but I could never escape. He always followed, leading with an angry glare and clenched teeth. Not anything I could put in between him and I would stop him, much less phase him.
I was always begging- pleading. Sometimes to the point where I was physically unable to stand. My legs would fizz into static and then into nothing. And then suddenly I would feel my palms pressed against the fake wood flooring.
Now I realize that he loved to see me on my knees.
“I just want to die.” The words seemed to lunge from deep within wherever they had been swallowed and vomitted before I could even register it. But they were unfiltered truth; raw and spilled from my soul. I would give anything to escape the mental and emotional turmoil that clung to me daily- slowly breaking down my will, my fight.
“You don’t think you make me want to kill myself too?!”
“Go get the gun from the bedroom. We do it together.”
And in horror, I realized that not even in death would I escape him.
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