rather long... what about a book? in Second 1st

Sammy was here 15 mins early yesterday. He walked in with his explanation of why he’d not been here the day before and I apologized for being passive aggressive. Apparently He’s had an ear infection he was mostly unaware of for 4 months now. He’d gone to the ER with major pain one night (a few nights ago) and is on a heavy dose of penicillin now. He seemed pretty okay yesterday but after awhile he’d complained his throat was sore. He was told he could have gone deaf in that ear so I’m super glad he didn’t .... it sucks, I know.

It all went pretty smooth. We were done in a total of like 2 1/2 hours.

I had a ton of trouble sleeping last night. Destiny has written a book of poetry.... it’s about to be a thing I can physically buy.... she’s about to make money off of a bunch of feelings she turned into words. I’d told Rocky that honestly if she makes any profit .... like even $20 actual profit.... I’d like to write out the Jim story and see about having it published. So last night I lay in the dark eyes closed thinking about how I would tell it. First person would cause a ton of editing because I’d write I all the time and no one wants to read that. Then. What parts of my childhood are important to how I acted in the story? Should I start with something like: She was born in a mid-sized town in Michigan. Then my families financial status.... my image of myself at the time and how I felt unseen.... babysitting and paying actual house bills at 12..... Then the move south the changes that created.... then the first job and meeting Eric.... the guys in between Jim’s moments?..... The idea that sex equaled love..... and learning how wrong that was. What to leave in what to take out.... the story has very few characters and adding just one adds such a need to explain who they are to me. Example: I’d arrived at Randy’s home for the 5th time. I knew we wouldn’t make it through the movie we were going to watch. He’d been waiting at the kitchen table talking to his mother when I’d come in. It was a few short conversations with the family when he decided to head up stairs. As I trailed behind his father said from the couch, where he’d been watching the local news, “We love you too you know.” Such a small thing but something I needed to hear. That I had been worthy of love from a family other than my own, not only from the heart warming caretaker before me, or at least they thought.
I then imagine that I’d trail off talking about his family..... or that I may have already done that. Mostly, in order to establish the “meant to be” feeling I had at the time. .... The church? the wedding? The marriage.... the marriage is a key point obviously..... How big is this book gonna be? .... If I intend to write it IF Destiny makes a profit.... well shouldn’t I go ahead and start it? I could spend years hemming and hawing over it.... Also, if I’m willing to do it for money ..... after telling the story so many times .... shouldn’t I do it just to do it....

When I was much younger.... I’d started journaling out of fear… I was afraid that when I got older I wouldn’t remember.... I wouldn’t remember any of it.... The 2 bunnies we had (Bugs and Babs, no relation… the the WB cartoon Loony toons) and How apparently the cages were not far enough apart for Bugs to not get Babs pregnant .... and how she would eat her babies..... and trying to save a few… and the snow coming dance where I was voted our class representative as a joke.... and I was amazing for standing my ground.... and I looked like a princess.... or the time the school bus did a 360 in the snow and we had (well it was that or wait for another bus to come get us) to was about 3 miles home in the freezing cold up hill using the frozen tread marks of a tractor to keep from sliding back...... I still have that fear.... I don’t want to forget .... I don’t want to forget that I moved to Colorado..... that when I moved back home my ex boss had missed me working for her, after I’d only been home 2 days she asked me back to work. Shortest phone conversation in my memory. “Hey you working yet” “Sherry, I’ve only been home 2 days.” “See you Monday at 10?” “Sure.” lol .... So many things.... including recent ones like Sammy learning that when you are an adult it’s hard to live with family.... and friends… and me helping him get a car he paid off so quickly..... my feelings about COVID vaccine.... The things I’ve created through crochet.....the friends I’ve made through comments.... I don’t want to forget.... do I have a real reason to think I will.... no… other than Alzheimer’s exists..... family history? nope.... still journaling.....

So, why not a book of the Jim story? .... but the sex.... I feel like there’s a lot of sex in that story.... and obviously the concept of sex = love would cause there to be a lot of sex in the book ..... I don’t want to write sex. So it would be a book about sex with no sex in it? .... how boring? ..... but the Jim story is not boring.... it’s made people gasp.... question.... and swear it should be a movie.... I’ve written it out here somewhere.... well a shortened version.... I mean things could definitely be elaborated on. Descriptions, moods, moments..... more defined....

Do I want to live it again and again till the book is perfect? I don’t know how that would effect Rocky and I. Reliving the spinning in my brain as I stood at Jim’s apartment door alone and intending to tell a joke, instead lit a fire. How would that afternoon play out here in real life. Thinking about how I don’t recall ever being that “ON” since.... and how honestly, I deserve it.... and am I punishing myself? and dealing with all those things..... and explaining the self conscious damage Randy did.... I still feel 17 years later.... and the downfall.... .... and the moment Jim actually broke me.... Would it be worth it to go into so much detail as a book would require?

huh.... long entry.... Anyways.... Rocky said he wanted to get up early today.... I have to be in Nashville at 2:25 to pick up an at home sleep study. There is will an instruction on how to turn the machine on and where to put the cords and straps ..... Then tonight I will sleep in it and hopefully, all goes as planned, I will return it tomorrow. I hope this goes well.... I have been known to remove articles of clothing in my sleep, unbeknownst to me.... at least till morning.... sometimes I forget I was wearing them at all and find them in the bed cloths (mostly socks).

Rocky wants to spend the day doing stuff.... the mall, McKay’s, specific undisclosed lunch place.... it’s only 7:30 and he’s not up… not expecting him to be up soon.... we will either do those things today OR hopefully the drop off of the equipment is like “we open at 9, you can drop it off anytime between then and close at 5.” In that case we can do things tomorrow instead. I’m taking a book either way lol.... I’ve had one laying around unfinished for..... more than 6 months.... smh it only likes about 2 hrs of my time..... I just get distracted.... Twitch… crochet… diamond painting… sigh I wish there was more time in a day.....