Today, several times I mentioned to Wesley, casually, that I wasnt okay mentally, that I was having trouble keeping my mind present, that I just need to relax and make it through tomorrow.
Every time without fail he said nothing or just continued the discussion we were having before I said that. He doesnt know how to comfort me, how to handle this situation.
But hes my best friend. He did whatever he could think to do. Watched TV with me, tried to get my mind off of it with a discussion that was meaningful enough to require thought. He hugged me a time or two.
He did what he knew how to do, what he was comfortable doing. But all I could think was…
Please hold me. Kiss me. Make me forget anything but you. I could not do that. I could not say that. Because we are only friends and that’s not the sort of friendship we have.
But I desperately need comfort. He doesnt know what this is about. He probably thinks I’m upset about the lack of sex in my life or how my kid has been misbehaving.
And yes, those things are frustrating. But they pale in comparison to my memories of Jay playing on repeat all day. When there are no new memories to focus on to remind me hes alive and well. . . I just get forced to watch the repeats in my head.
I used to make myself okay and cope by going to see his shows. A reminder that hes okay, maybe a hug from him too, whether or not that’s what hed do in any other situation, it changed my whole outlook and brightened the world.
Things are going grey again. Wesley used to light up my world, but lately, it just isnt enough. I still adore him and want him around me, love talking to him, and treasure our conversations.
But theres an ultimate rejection there. Everytime he talks about what he would do with his kids and I realise that he will never have them, because he said no. Despite how obvious it is that he would like to have kids, he wont. And it hurts. Because it means I will likely not find anyone whose sperm I feel comfortable using. I cant blame him though. He has no obligation to surrender his sperm to me. That’s a big ask. He has no obligation to hold me, bo matter how bad I need it.
My son said to him today, “You sound like my dad!” I’m sure he thought it was an insult. It wasnt. I explained to him. My son has no idea what his dad sounds like. His dad has never yelled at him. He hasnt seen his father since he was 2, except for a few video chats a year ago or so. I’m sure when he said that, he was thinking in the back of his mind, ‘Why cant you be my dad? You care about my mom, you even cuddle sometimes, you discipline me, you love with us so why not? Why are we not good enough?’ Or maybe that’s me projecting the thoughts lingering in the back of my mind. The ones I dismiss and chastise myself for. There are many reasons why. I know that.
Reasons why Wesley and I Cant Be More:
- He is not interested. That alone is enough.
- I want kids, he doesnt.
- I’m hypersexual and hes asexual.
- Our religious views differ greatly, though our morals are similar.
- Hes poly and maybe I’d get jealous. I havent before when my guy wanted something extra, but maybe I would. I am possessive.
- We have different ideas of what relationships should be like.
- I’m kinky, hes a vanilla pillow princess.
- I require too much attention and would probably leave him mentally exhausted.
- Maybe I never will get over Jay.
- He doesn’t love me.
- All that other sex and romance shit.
So there are alot of reasons. For me. But for my boy I know it’s just a matter of time before he starts to get upset because Wesley doesnt treat him like a son. Hell, maybe the reason hes acting out isnt because he needs more attention from me but because he wants more from Wesley. Nothing I can do about that. It wouldnt be fair for me to ask him to step up to that role. We are only friends and that’s all we will ever be.
A couple of guys from back home have told me they miss me. It’s funny how they didnt seem to miss me much while I was there. One turned me down because he wasnt ready and now that he is he cant find anyone who’s interested. The other wanted all that and a box of chocolates but as soon as we started to discuss the possibility he started to get offended by everything and toss attitude at me. As if I was gonna deal with that shit. But they ‘miss me’. I wish Jay did. I’d drive back to spend time with him in a heartbeat. I’d find a way. I’d make it work. Even if we were just friends and that’s all we’d ever be. I miss him so damn much.
More to the point, theres something essential to my life that I’m not getting right now. Comfort. And I dont know where to seek it anymore.