It hurts in Musings

Every day it hurts less and less and I know i am unbearable.
My mom passed away and I’ve been a complete disaster. I don’t know how to cope with grief. Sometimes this pain feels like it’s too much of a burden to even bear, and I slip into all of my negative coping behaviors.
If you ever meet someone like me, you should run.
I know now that I was nothing but my mother’s carpet. I don’t know how to be anyone else, I don’t know why I’ve built this entire empire of it wasn’t FOR HER… I don’t need it or want it. It means nothing to me.

I feel guilt about Liam. The way he just has too much hope and love for us, our future, my own future.
I know that people die everyday, but the abandonment trauma begins to surface on to the top. And I’m selfish. My soul is ugly. I miss my mom. I know I’m hurting everyone because of the way I am trying to cope.

Having Liam’s fingers shoved into my mouth and vomiting all over, when he bursted into the bathroom after I swallowed a handful of Ativan—it’s the miserable highlight of my existence. Watching him crying in the ambulance, seeing his swollen face in the morning. I don’t want to be here… everything hurts and everything I’ve put away in neat little boxes, they’ve all been ripped open, to face.