I just spent an ungodly amount on school supplies in Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of HAPPINESS

I’m embarrassed at how much I spent. You should see my daughters 1st grade school supply list. It doesn’t help that I’ve put it off and most other area schools have already begun. She doesn’t start until the 23rd, but everything in the stores has been picked over. In a different life, I would’ve just gone to the stores to find what I needed, but I attempted Walmart last week and we ATTEMPTED Target this morning, and I just said “fuck it” essentially. Her school has an option where you just buy a box of supplies needed. So that’s what I did....and I even removed Kleenex (4 boxes), Clorox Disinfectant Wipes (5-75 count containers), Unscented baby wipes (2 containers) and hand sanitizer (3-8 oz bottles) from the order form and added a pair of cheap headphones to the box and my total was well over $100. Let’s not even mention the fact that I had to pay for expedited shipping since she has a week until school starts and a 2 week time frame of when the box would be delivered.

I cannot wait to finally be settled into our schedule. When I got all of my ducks in a row a few weeks back, I thought my ducks would permanently be in a row…not that I would be left waiting on a response from the state about daycare assistance for my son. I paid for the month of July for he and my daughter OUT OF MY POCKET. Well over $1000 and I cannot afford to do this every month. I also didn’t realize that the school I was working at would change. I mean, until that first day back I thought I’d just be okay at the school where I was. On a good note, I stood up for myself, went out on a whim and asked for a transfer, interviewed and was offered a position at another school. So here we are entering the first FULL WEEK of school and I am not settled in my schedule at all. My transfer date for my new school location is Wednesday of this week…so for 2 whole days (4 days if you count last Thursday and Friday), I have to continue working at the school that I am transferring out of. So…even though my job is changing, I still cannot say that my mind is settled because I have to adhere to my old schedule, former students, and former building assignment until…Wednesday. That means, mid week, I’m going to have to swap my schedule and just suddenly be ready to wake up before 6 am, and get myself out the door by 6:30 am (all the while having my kids up and ready for my boyfriend to take to daycare).

I could babble on forever because EVEN AFTER I get myself settled into the schedule for Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, next week will be different as well because my daughter will start school. And the schedule will change again…it’s like a constant feeling of being unsettled and if you’ve ever dealt with anxiety or the inability to accept what you cannot control then you’d understand how defeated I feel.

By the time I start at my new building, school will have been in an entire week. This seems like a small issue for most people, but I’ve never been to the school before (outside of interviewing), I don’t know my way around the school, I don’t know where the bathrooms are, I don’t know any staff there…I’m meeting students who have already been in school a week. Whatever they’re learning…I’m already behind in assisting them to learn. I just feel....behind behind behind. Any of their other new staff working in the building won’t even feel as NEW as I do because they’ve already been in the building for a few weeks. I DEFINITELY hope this group is a lot more diverse than my former school. This town is so rich and diverse with cultures. The students reflect that, so why on Earth would the staff not?

In other news, I let my daughter have a break from her medicine today. We went to a follow up appointment after she’s been on the ADHD meds for a handful of weeks now. I told the doctor that I was wanting to go back to her original dosage. I believe what she is prescribed now is too low. I can see positive changes, but I was wanting to revisit that dosage because now that I’ve seen that she can handle these side effects, I think that her reactions taking the medicine the first time was psychological. Obviously, my daughter knew we would be trying a new medicine. She had never really taken medicine before. Never mind the fact that she had never really dealt with any of those side effects before. I think it was all overwhelming and different. Not only that, imagine feeling a sense of “calm” for the first time. SCARY right? This time would be different because she would have no idea that I switched her medicine back to the original dose. The doctor agreed. I gave it to her yesterday. The main difference that I noticed from the dose she normally takes and from the higher dose is that the higher dose makes her even more sensitive. However, the first time she took it, she sobbed uncontrollably all day, whereas yesterday she really had one unconsolable melt down.

Another thing that I discussed with the doctor because I was prepared to go in and demand that we try something different because this isn’t working ENOUGH…maybe 50%…she asked had we taken a break from the medicine. I hadn’t because I noticed enough difference that I didn’t want to go back to nothing. Anyway, she mentioned that sometimes parents don’t realize how much the medicine is working until they take their kid off for one day and see how they are without it.

QUEUE my horrible idea of giving her a day off of her medicine. Today has been ROUGH. Granted, everyday is rough in my household. My children never listen. However, I might on a normal day have to repeat myself 20 times…but when my daughter has her medicine I may only have to repeat myself 5 times. It’s not the best WIN, but it IS a win. I mean, at the appointment she wasnt jumping around on the furniture. She sat calmly. We were at a birthday party last weekend, and I was dreading having to make the kids leave when I was ready to go. My kids do not transition well at all. There was a bouncy house and a water slide at this party and we hadn’t even had cake nor had the gifts been opened but we had already been there 4 hours. Anyway, when I told my daughter that it was time to leave, she just got up, said “ok” and carried her things with no issues. My son, was the exact opposite, which is why I was dreading it because I normally have to pull them both out kicking and screaming. So I’ve really noticed that although she fights back more than I would like…it’s not to the extreme that it would normally be. There have been many times since she began the medicine that I’ve noticed that I’ve been able to ask her to do something and she actually did it without the fight. So, has it been positive? Yes. Is her behavior still horrendous? ABSOLUTELY. Does she still expect me to entertain her at all times? Yes. Does she still kick and scream and cry? Yes. And now she even takes every moment that presents itself to tell me that she doesn’t think I like her. However, sometimes....I only have to ask once instead of 15 times and that’s a win in my book. A SMALL win, but a win nonetheless.

I’m BARELY surviving these days, but I live to try again tomorrow because if I don’t do it then who else will?