I have absolutely no control over my household. in Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of HAPPINESS

None. All my kids do is scream and cry. Any activity that I offer them, gets met with eye rolls or more yelling and screaming. How dare I suggest they go outside and play? How dare I assume that they’d want to play on the swings in the back yard? How DARE I suggest one of the many toys that at one point was something they begged for? All that I’m getting from them is that they need more from me, but what happens when I have nothing left to give? When I can’t sleep at night because they keep coming to my room for numerous non-emergent issues. When I try to sleep in their beds with them to get them to sleep or to console them from the sounds of thunderstorms. When I spend time reading or playing a family game with them. When I suggest educational activities (flashcards for him and workbooks for her). When I take them to the splash park where they refuse to just play and instead insist on sitting in my face. When I suggest their tablets as a last resort for me to have time to myself. When I turn on their favorite tv shows or movies and they insist that they don’t like those things in that moment.

When did this happen? When did my kids become these inconsolable, ungrateful, whiny kids that just cry and throw fits. It’s like they are incapable of being happy. I sat for hours entertaining the kids, holding them, hugging them, loving on them, and then when I got up for a break because I was tired. My daughter screamed about how we never do anything together (she does this every day no matter the amount of time we spend together…the amnesia sets in quickly). My son stood outside my bedroom door that I locked. He screamed and cried nonstop for a good half an hour before I came out, picked him up, held him to sleep…and then held him while he was sleeping. Then I sat him down to sleep and all hell broke loose. Screaming, kicking, crying....

Nothing I do is ENOUGH and they remind me of this daily. No matter what I do, they want more. I pour out more and more and more....and I’m slowly disappearing. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I definitely do not recognize these children. This is not how I imagine motherhood would be. ALL THEY DO IS SCREAM.

I want to disappear.

I really do.

I thought for sure that the start of the school year would be my escape, but then I was greeted with the memory that I am an outsider at work still.

A lot happened this past week (other than school starting). I interviewed with another school in the district and was offered a job there. However, because this is literally the most confusing and slow moving school district I’ve ever worked for…even though I’ve accepted a new position, I won’t start at my new school until Wednesday and I’m being required to remain at my current school until then. Now can someone explain to me, WHY I’m being forced to spend extra days at my school, if I no longer work there? It doesn’t make sense at all. How confusing is it for the children to get used to me in their routines, instead of me being removed from the equation all together. It has nothing to do with waiting until they hire someone. Most schools are short staffed currently. Hell, the school I’m going to be working at now is short staffed and they don’t have to be because I’m AVAILABLE! What difference would it make for me to start there Monday and not Wednesday? The difference for me is then that school will have been in an entire week and I’ve been wasting my time at a school I no longer work at versus serving my students at the school I am supposed to be working at. The longer it takes me to start, the more “new” I’ll feel at that school. The more lost I will be (having never walked the halls there and not having started the school year there learning the building like the rest of their new employees got to). I told both principals AND HR that I need routine for my kids. Sitting on a schedule that is no longer mine does absolutely nothing for me and my family PLUS it just ads to my anxiety and the fact that I have to keep putting off being able to get our mornings as close to what our regular routine will be like. I like to prepare ahead of time so that when it’s time, we’re not a HOT MESS. My daughter has one more week before school starts and then it’s show time. I was hoping to be set in our schedules by then.

I’m really just over everything at this point.

I’ve had to get up maybe 8 times during typing this entry to put my son back on the potty.

Everyone else in the world seems to have pretty good control of their kids and here I am. What is wrong with me?

I used to feel like a butterfly and now I just wanna be a turtle and hide in my shell. Everything is safe in a shell. For me, my shell is my sleep. It’s the only time that I can escape (well, I have to lock my bedroom door to be 100% sure that I CAN escape).

Last updated August 14, 2021