I've had my run, baby I'm done. I gotta go home in Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of HAPPINESS

I’m typing this as my 2 year old is screaming and crying right next to me trying to crawl into my skin. I say crawl into my skin because he woke me up before 7, and then I held him for a half hour which didn’t stop the constant scream. I promise he’s not crying because anything is wrong necessarily. I’ve tried to hold him (which he wants), offer him toys, something to drink. He’ll just scream that he doesn’t want whatever we offer him and as soon as I sit whatever it is down he’ll just scream “mine!” and then not grab it. It’s a constant game and screaming and crying (with no tears). My daughter is trying to help, but he’s not having it. She can really be a great big sister sometimes. He’s watching her play her tablet now and talking to her.

What is it about my kids waking up crying, whining and in a bad mood? And waking me up SO early on the weekends even though on the weekday they give me such a hard time when I wake them up this early?

So last night I sat in my kitchen crying (after being forced to sit at a kids birthday party full of people I don’t know for nearly 4 hours). I’m coming the realization that the reason that I feel the most alone and unsupported is because I’m waiting for someone in my family to step in and see how depressed I am, and let me know that no matter what decision I make, COMING HOME IS ALWAYS AN OPTION. That’s been a huge topic on social media lately as well which also made me come to the realization. Parenting doesn’t stop at 18. Sometimes our “babies” will still need us at 20, 30, 40....they’re still our babies who will look to us for guidance. They need our support no matter the decision they make.

At the time that I made the decision to move here last year....everything was right. I was offered a job with the school district here. I EASILY got offered so many jobs that were higher paying job than what I had. I had a place to stay because at the time I had this AMAZING boyfriend (fairytale). My kids had (HAVE) their own room in his house. My daughter would be able to attend the school I was working at. My son wouldn’t have to be in daycare because my amazing boyfriend is disabled and able to stay home with him. I was going to be enrolling in a program through the local university where I would take computer technology classes. My lease would be up soon anyway. I mean…the pieces just all fit together so well…

A year later, that job is THE WORST (okay, not the job…but the people…not the kids but the teachers, admins, etc). It’s not the type of tightknit school family that I am used to. For example, I went to back to work last week. On the first day, I walked in and put my stuff down at a table. I walked away from the table for a moment and came back to someone trying to move my stuff. I let it be known that it was my stuff, and immediately someone started asking if they could have my seat. IN A ROOM FULL OF TABLES AND CHAIRS, SOMEONE WANTED MY SEAT (so she could sit next to someone who had seated themselves next to my bag. I told her that she could have that seat (I didn’t want to sit next to him anyway), but then as I went to sit down in the next seat someone grabbed the seat before I sat down and said “actually do you mind sitting one more seat down”....I just grabbed my stuff and moved to another table at that point. Can you imagine ADULTS acting like this? Like it’s a popularity game and no one wanted to sit next to me. I mean it was an entire table. They all would have been together at the table just not right next to each other. Anyway, I moved and they all screamed for me to come back (NO), and that they did not put me out of that table (that is EXACTLY what they did). So anyway, this is what it’s like working where I work. All of these little groups and cliques and I don’t have a place. Never did I ever. Not even after an entire school year. Nevermind the fact that I was conveniently left out of the year book.

My home life is unstable. My boyfriend is a true emotional abuser. I feel MORE overwhelmed in my parenting because I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells for myself and my kids. I’m hyper sensitive to everything that they do for fear of upsetting the mean troll. He’s not always bad, but he’s not always good like he was in the beginning. HE WAS GREAT. He is absolutely tired of me and my kids. He says he isn’t, but everything about being here says that he IS. Ever since our 1 year anniversary which was only in June, everything has gotten worse. I feel like I’ve been consistently crying since mid-June around our anniversary and everything has yet to get better.

Let’s not forget to add my kids’ behaviors in there. My newly diagnosed 6 year old (ADHD) and my 2 year old in this horrible phase of life that is just to terrorize me. The school thing never panned out because there was no social distancing enforcement in that school program. We were all on top of each other and after having not been around people for months, I was suddenly supposed to be okay sitting elbow to elbow to people (at the HEIGHT of the pandemic at that time…Last Fall). I dropped after the first day (and do you know even thought I dropped classes in time, I still had to pay for school fees EVEN THOUGH I never so much as used a piece of paper or pencil).

My daughter attended the school where I worked, but it was just a completely different atmosphere than her private school she attended for preschool. That has been my BIGGEST regret was pulling her from her school. I convinced myself that she would adjust when really she was ahead of her peers the entire time…and her behaviors just intensified as the year went on. Imagine going from a class of 12 to a class of 20. Where kids are bouncing off the walls and awarded very few opportunities to be kids and move their bodies. I mean, they even take recess away from kids for behavior issues. Not only that but I knew that from working there, I’ve seen how those teachers speak to students, and I would be damned if those ignorant educators would be placed in charge of my daughters self esteem. That group of teachers that bullied me out of my seat were 1st grade teachers which would have been my daughters teachers…but last year, before things went sour with my boyfriend, I did research, toured, applied, got scholarships and paid the years tuition for a new school. A private Independent School like the one she attended back home.

My son is now in daycare, and I cannot be convinced just yet (he’s only been there a week) that it’s the best place for him. This city is so large and daycare is so expensive. There are never any openings or space in daycares, and when they are they only accept private pay and not state daycare assistance, or they charge SO MUCH. What I’m paying now is more than I paid for my son as an INFANT back home. I paid the ENTIRE month of June for he and my daughter (well, 3 weeks for my daughter) out of my pocket as I have yet to get my daycare assistance application approved through the state. I didn’t just leave them at home for fear of them not being treated well while I was at work. Not even just not being treated well, but because I didn’t want to hear he said she said stories between my daughter and my boyfriend. He doesn’t allow the kids to be kids, so he TATTLES about everything small, and of course my daughter KNOWS how to press buttons and my son has communication issues, so there’s bound to be clashing and I’d rather skip that part entirely as I don’t have many tears left to cry.

I realized last night while sitting at my kitchen table listening to “Home” by Michael Buble and crying my eyes out that. ALL THAT I WANT is for my mom to say, “why don’t you just come home.” I don’t necessarily need to LIVE with anyone, but as a 32 year old, I need the reassurance that I made the right decision to move at the time, I tried it, it didn’t work out, and it’s okay to come home and start over versus staying where I am torturing myself and crying my eyes out every day. I have no friends, no support. All I have ARE my children. My boyfriends here, but he’s more heartache and headache than support. We just don’t belong here. There’s nothing about here that feels like home.

What’s my hesitation you ask? The school year is starting. Had I come to this realization sooner instead of trying to make it WORK, then it would have made the choice a little easier. I pulled my daughter from her school last year and got no REFUND. I can’t take that kind of loss of private school tuition again. Also, when I left my school district last year, they gave me the badge of “DO NOT REHIRE” even though I was an excellent employee. I did not give an adequate 2 weeks notice (as I was living here 2 hours away and could not attend school in person there). Are there other school districts there that I could work for? Yes, but the pay will be A LOT LOWER. Also, my son is in speech services here. He’s about to evaluated for an IEP to attend school early for his speech delay. My daughter just started her ADHD medicine. Finding new doctors and doing everything all over again is daunting! But so is staying here even though it no longer makes me happy. Everything about this city (other than the shopping which I love) depresses me.

Growing up, being the “good child” always gave me the impression that I wasn’t allowed to mess up. My mess ups were somehow 20 times worse because I was “better than that”. So when I change my mind or want to do something differently or try something and fail, I tend to seek the OK from my mom. She and I are close and always have been. I know that I am 32 and do not NEED her approval, but at the end of the day, I am her “baby” and it would be nice if my mom assured me that no matter what the problem is, that I can come home.