I Just Want To Be in The Kid Used To Dream

I am lying here awake. Typically, over the last few weeks I have not had too many negative thoughts. I mean, none that have brought on anxiety like a few months ago.

I was working at a job I took in 2020 and a few months into it I realized it wasn’t what I thought it would be. I was faced with a decision to leave and I could not for the life of me form the exit strategy. I was frozen in my own anxiety.

The inevitable happened and the company ultimately made the choice for me and let me go. It wasn’t like any other job loss I’d ever had. I honestly think my boss wanted to keep me but the other managers saw it different.

Tonight, I am bombarded by thoughts that have flooded my mind. It concerns something that I really want to be in life. We’ve all had those hopes and dreams and then we settle somewhere. That somewhere is the place of comfort where our dreams might fade away. It seems like few people get to actually live out their dreams. Honestly, a material dream isn’t what I’m talking about right now. Don’t get me wrong - I would love to sing and tour the big stages. I would love to act in a movie. Then, tonight it hit me. Those things are a by product of what I actually want. You see, in order to achieve the big stage there has to be some experience to prove you belong. How’s the fact that I’ve been doing this since I was 11? I’ve played big stages - but not many. I’ve shared them with bigger acts. I have the same friends a lot of Grammy award winners have but there’s one thing I don’t seem to have that I want. As a matter of fact, what I want to be doesn’t even have to produce a big stage or more opportunities. What I want to be more than anything is hidden in plain sight. You don’t realize it’s what a person has until you do.

I want to be relevant. I want to know that I make a difference. I feel I get used a lot and not taken as serious as I would like to be taken. Relevance to me would be worth more than anything money could buy. It gives guy a seat at the table of your peers - even though that doesn’t impress me. I just want to be seen as a person who is relevant.