I'm about 2 seconds away from crying in Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of HAPPINESS

Being a mom is HARD. I don’t even have a space or time to cry, and if I start crying then we would all be crying. There’s just no space or time to cry.

It’s hard enough dealing with my boyfriends passive aggression.

I LOVE MY KIDS SO MUCH. I often ask myself, where on Earth did I go wrong? What did I do to make them behave this way? Is this just their developmental stage or is this something that I will have to deal with forever. When I think about dealing with this forever…I WANT OUT. I would never leave my children of course, but I do sometimes think that they would be better with another family because apparently what I do is never enough.

OH MY GOODNESS, imagine having these feelings about a 2 and a 6 year old.

So I’m standing in the kitchen earlier and washing dishes while my boyfriend looks on at my daughter and picks apart at the way she rinsed off her dish (there was still a bit of syrup on her plate which didn’t bother me because I was literally standing there washing dishes and she’s 6). Anyway, and then he got snippy after I got after him because is it really that necessary to be so nit picky with a 6 year old whom is doing her best. His idea is that he is helping. Picking at my kids does not equate to you helping. Sometimes it’s just easier to ignore those tiny things then to make them a big deal. ESPECIALLY WITH MY SENSITIVE 6 year old who has even more of a heightened sensitivity due to her ADHD meds. He wanted to make me breakfast, but I wasn’t hungry…which also made him even more snippy because well, he was trying to do something nice for me. I can’t help it that I wasn’t hungry.

Anyway, so fast forward. I’m in the kitchen cutting a watermelon. The kids are running around which I always get after them about because this isn’t necessarily a kid friendly house. It’s too small and too many areas where you can get hurt. What happens? My daughter hurts her foot. I mean, it feels like a bone is poking out (not out of the skin but underneath…like a knot). I asked her if she was supposed to be running in the house? She says “no”, but of course now that she’s hurt, I give her all of my attention. I give her an ice pack, elevate her foot and turn on the tv. I give the kids both a piece of watermelon....while I’m still in the kitchen carving away, I keep hearing “mommy mommy mommy”. My daughter said she was done with her watermelon. I said “throw it away then”. So she does....

My son had been on his potty and finally went pee. I want to put them in the pool, but I’m trying to wait until my son goes poop first. I come up with the idea to let them paint, so I gathered supplies. I got everything ready and then decided, you know what? Let’s go outside with it. So I gathered supplies, and started getting the kids ready. My daughter starts whining about how my boyfriend wouldn’t let her plug her tablet in our bedroom. I don’t see the big deal about her plugging her device in there, but she also has outlets in her room and every other room of the house, so it’s like…WHY?! Anyway, so she was super sensitive about that. All the while I’m trying to put on my sons diaper while he’s frantically kicking my stomach (he was laying on the bed and I’m bending leaning toward him to put the diaper on). It started setting me off because I really do get OVER STIMULATED and these kids feel like they always have to be touching me, and after a while even the nicest mommy doesn’t want to be kicked in the tummy. So my daughter is whining, and I ask her to PLEASE give me a moment while I get her brother dressed. I ask her to go play in the living room. Now....my kids have a play house, basketball hoop, t-ball set, play kitchen and tons and tons of toys in a storage bin in the living room. I wasn’t banning her to Siberia, I just asked her to go play for a minute while I get her brother dressed. More whining. I try to comb my sons hair or at least make it halfway presentable to go outside, and you guys already know how this goes. He’s crying and kicking and screaming and wiggling and I just don’t really have it in my to wrangle an alligator so I GAVE UP. I said “never mind” and then decided that if I have to fight this hard to get them ready to go outside then I don’t want to do it anymore....queue the six year olds tears and her raising her voice and screaming at me like I’m the meanest parent in the world. IMAGINE THAT!

I calmly told her that mommy needed a minute to herself (they never understand this) to cool down because I was upset. There was more screaming and crying and eventually I just told her to play on her charging tablet. She also then cried about it not being charged fully yet which we already knew it wasn’t because she wouldn’t leave it alone. I grabbed my laptop to immediately write this entry, but my two year old is sitting next to me trying to press the keys and my daughter comes in to me with a homemade card she made for me.

I AM ABOUT TO LOSE IT!!!

Maybe I’ll just put them in the pool and let the little one shit himself.
Maybe I’ll just let them go outside with uncombed hair.

Other parents do it all of the time, why on Earth should I have standards and rules for mine? In trying to help myself and make things easier and make things make sense (CONTROL FREAK), I am driving myself bat shit crazy. I think I will just send them outside to play. However, I ALREADY know that 2 seconds later they’ll complain about the bugs.

Someone help me. I am not okay.