I was on track with my eating and water yesterday. It wasn’t even hard. Sometimes, after a period of eating so much junk it’s hard to pull back, but I’ve felt so full and bloated that I don’t even want to indulge. Plus - back in my own home - I don’t really have anything to indulge in. Will, of course, went food shopping and did bring back this birthday cake granola that I know is not at all healthy and it wasn’t hard to resist it. Turns out he doesn’t even like it so I may just drop that off at my parents house.
I DO like it - I’ve had it before - but I certainly don’t need it.
I have not yet put on any fall clothes from last year. I actually already donated a lot of fall clothes this spring that I KNEW I wasn’t going to fit in by this time. So my fall stash of clothes are things that were slightly tight last year. I’m actually hoping some of it is still wearable so I don’t have to buy all new everything.
I love a baggy sweater so I may only need to buy new pants if they’re really falling off. But when I wear baggy clothes every comments on my weight loss. So part of me feels self conscious, like I’m fishing for compliments if I wear baggy clothes - but I truthfully just don’t want to spend money LOL
Fall is such a hard time eating wise cause of all the treats that come from Halloween on. I hope I can do a good job resisting all the sugar that’s coming…
As for my title, I just realized that I’m still attracted to fat guys. I think, no matter how thin I may get - I’m not gonna like thin or in shape guys.
I’ve always been chubby, and when I was young my first crushes were chubby boys. I guess you just go after those who look similar to you?
I think part of it definitely has to do with feeling protected. I have never been attracted to a guy who I didn’t think could protect me - just in case. They’ve always been taller and bigger - someone I can hide behind in an emergency LOL.
I’m happily married so I’m not even looking for anyone anyway, it just dawned on me that even though I dislike my own body - I don’t dislike other fat bodies.
ALSO along that same train of thought…
I just got back from a water park and I saw SO MANY big people in two piece suits!!
And I felt bad that it was so shocking to me. I have no problem with anyone wearing anything - but there are things I would Never wear due to my own insecurities. And I don’t even think I would look AWFUL in a two piece - but the fear of what other people would be thinking - and God Forbid if they said anything to my face. I feel like I would die of shame.
And I know that’s wrong and immature to think that way. The thing is - I judge myself VERY HARSHLY.
I feel better after losing some weight but most of my life I have picked my body APART and hated every inch and my mind was just a home to a bunch of insults.
I can’t count how many times I called myself a disgusting fat bitch, that I was sloppy and weak and a disappointment. That my own body that I live in GROSSED me out. I didn’t even want to look at myself. I didn’t want to FEEL myself even though I’m within myself. I didn’t want to feel my double chin on my chest or my arm fat jiggling.
I know how cruel people can be - because I am extremely cruel to myself.
So to go out in front of everyone in something revealing and think in my head that they’re thinking about me the way that I have often though about myself, it stops me in my tracks. I can’t handle it. I would never draw attention to myself in that way.
So I was blown away by how many big people I saw exposing their bellies because I’m sure they know what others could be thinking - and they just expose themselves anyway. It feels risky to me. Or maybe just risky to someone with lower self confidence like me.
Hell - I didn’t love what I was wearing and I was in a 1 piece with shorts on. As was my sister who’s easily 100lbs less than me.
But I will say that at the water park - and at the beach I was at previously - I did not cath anyone making fun of anyone else. No one was staring, pointing or laughing at anyone else.
Everyone was having so much fun, everyone was so excited to be there, that I don’t think they even had time to poke fun at someone else. Everyone was happy to be on vacation!
I don’t know if this inspired people to wear what they want or scared them more into not wearing what they want LOL.