Why Do They React That Way? in The Kid Used To Dream

I have noticed over the years that many friends I have are a result of someone approaching me, and not the other way around. When I try to approach someone it’s almost as if I have huge sign over me that says: NOT INTERESTING - KEEP MOVING.

Why can’t I pick a friend? I never noticed it until today that I don’t have the ability to initiate a relationship. I have always thought that I was introverted with extroverted tendencies but that seems like one would cancel out the other.

All the relationships I have even if it’s family - exists because someone approached me. I can think of a few that I have approached to initiate a friendship but there’s no depth. There’s not that brotherhood or closeness.

Am I that unapproachable that something I’m giving off spiritually says - NO TRESPASSING?

For the past 9 years, at least, my own mom has promised what she calls - “our day.” She always says that we are overdue for a mom and son day. I have invited her on several trips with me that she declines - now, she’s obliged me on 2 occasions, but they were short lived overnight trips. She literally lives less than 100 yards from me and I never get to see her unless I go to her. Then, she is always gone; either with my sibling or one of her friends. As I mentioned in a previous entry - when I was 4 my step-dad informed me that he was exactly that - a stepdad. I think my mom and I were together from her previous marriage a while before she remarried. My biological dad didn’t even show up at the custody hearing.

Was I born with a natural repellent?

The close friends that I do have all approached me to get to know me. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. I wouldn’t be married today had my wife not approached me to get to know me. I am a very loyal person and vowed a long time ago to not express my opinion. I am often considered the comic because I love to laugh. Yet, when trying to make a friend it just feels like my identity has to be inclusive of whatever someone else is looking for.

For the most part, it doesn’t bother me. However, I would like to know why my own mom always talks about these so-called plans that is so easy to make with others - but somehow she’s always too busy.

So, I have embarked on a quest to figure out what I am doing in life that repels someone. Am I not loving myself enough that no one else wants to love me? Have I shut someone out unknowingly over time that what has happened to me is retribution? If I could only find the person that wanted to be my friend and I pushed them away - so I could figure out how to break this cycle. Then, maybe my mom would not be too busy for lunch.