I am not okay in My life....I can't make this shit up!

…and that’s okay. I know it’s okay to not be okay. That doesn’t make it easier and it doesn’t help. Dad and I went and picked up Mom’s ashes this morning. Being handed this small white box with what used to be my mother inside, it has torn my heart apart again. All that wonderful, short, life and it ends up in a small white box. It’s just not fair. I keep replaying that morning in my head. I keep seeing how she looked on that hospital bed. I can feel her cold cheek on my hand. I can hear her gurgle as I’m giving CPR. I see her arms flop to the side lifeless as the emts carry her out. And now she’s in a box on top of the bookshelf. It hurts. It’s not fair.
I’m in my office trying to work today, but i can’t focus and i keep crying.
I miss my mom!