Excerpts in Writings

Destiny and Destruction collided, and somehow became one, In that moment I was slightly weary, because I knew was the faltering one. I destroyed the foundation, and now we sit in a dilapidated home, emptiness and echoes are keeping me company while I’m alone.
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I was cloaked in a shadow, black as the night itself, and I never felt my soul on fire. I never felt hell taking it’s grasp, and choking me in my own words, but then again I never spoke.. So how could I know? Because I knew inside of myself that this is was not me. I rebuked those moments, and I felt shame in every breath, and the moments that always followed.. were always moments of vivid regret. I am so angry at myself, and there is no wrong that can be undone, I simply ask for forgiveness.
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I no longer feel alive the way I once did, and I hate to remember how it once felt. To put it all into perspective, he is the first to take my heart in his hands, my passion, my pride, my dignity, the essence of everything that i was, and tear it into to pieces, casting one half away with the tide, never to be seen again, a distant and painful memory, that I can barely take a grasp upon. I know that I was saw the world through different eyes, through a different mind, it was as if I was seeing a different sun, and breathing different air. Then I was blind-sided, I saw a duller sun then most, I have thoughts through a mind of sorrow, and I breath air that never seems to satisfy me. I always yearn to be who I once was.
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I am numb. Beyond pain and happiness, there lies a feeling of nothingness, it is consuming, and it can be deadly. In my own opinion to feel numb is to live death upon the earth. Numbness is a curse, a blanket of lies to suffocate passion and truth from our beings, making us docile, incomplete, and ever-searching for the answers to our undeniable questions
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Tears Are Just A Metaphor
Shall I ever love again? With a broken heart, time and time again. I still find a way to attempt to heal the wounds, the scars that never disappear, scars upon my heart, and to give my heart away is to give one power to tear them open. Then I shall bleed, I shall drown. I look to the sky, when I am down. Praying for someone to save me, to give to me the wisdom to take myself away from here. These prayers go unanswered, and the questions I ask disappear in thin air like the smoke from a cigarette forgotten in the ash tray. As thoughts make words, and words cause pain, tears are just a metaphor. I am awake in the prison, these four walls closing in. Will you save me? I know it is not your place, but you still live in my heart, however far away you may be, but you are gone. I can feel your presence, though it is absent.
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Sorrow is my disease, the one I inhale, and exhale, and I watch the smoke cloud the future I once saw for myself, I am unable to move, the fear, with it’s jagged fingernails cuts me as it holds so firmly upon my heart, never letting go, Even in my dreams, I live in the nightmare. Hope is fleeting, and the tears, they do multiply, how am I meant to live like this? I await a miracle, the day I feel alive again, the day I open my eyes and I can finally see, because I am blind, and I admit it.
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For the one thousand prayers all alike in nature, and all the words similarly woven together, for wisdom and strength and guidance above all, to escape the pain and shut the door. I grew old in each moment, and weary with each lie, becoming less familiar to this thing I once called “life”.. Then in the end, I shed the layers, of the person cloaked underneath, and finally saw myself in my own reflection
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We are nothing but two people who repulse each other, A disgusting relationship filled with hatred and meaningless kisses, promises broken, and words so harsh. Resentment so overwhelming it steals my breath away. A year wasted and tears that were never worth it, yet i still see them fall. The anger I hold inside of me thrives on his every word. The perfect example of the tragedy of a broken heart. While I cried on the living room floor, holding tightly my chest, as I feel my heart beat pulsating inside my head. When he dragged me across the living room floor and I felt my dignity slipping away. He sucks the life out of me, telling me I do not try. He scolds me until I feel like nothing once again, the tears fall. Fine, I will try just as hard as you do, and you’ll see what effortlessness really looks like. I have no desire to speak to you, yet I speak in a soft tone, as if nothing is wrong, I hide the hatred behind a smile, behind loving words, sweet dreams, say goodnight to the love we never knew. It dies tonight in my dreams. You are nothing but a nightmare, and I long to wake up.
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How do I pick up the pieces, when I am not even whole? How do I tell myself I’ll be okay, if I don’t believe those words? How do I love myself if I push everyone away, and why does any of this matter, if in the end I have my faith? All I say, and every doubt that seems to hang on every word, is only a routine to follow, Again, you can put me through hell, and I will come through the other side unbroken, not in the sense of the word, but my faith will be untouched. I would love to feel whole, I await that day with patience, knowing it could quickly be taken from me, but shouldn’t that make me cherish every moment.
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The broken record phrases repeat before my eyes, the soundtrack of the horrible, the melody of lies. The flashes right before my eyes, blind nothing, yet increase the pain. The vague recollection is still a collection of thoughts I cannot erase. Exposed to the darkness, the light became faint, and the wind melted away the last amber of ash that still burned. Somewhere in the wind the pieces of me drift, like a puzzle never known, I shall never get the pieces back, and the picture will forever be unknown. I spit again on memories, and I stomp upon the graves of dead ends and thoughts.
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Anger is the first to swallow
Pride is the first to spit
Love is the first to falter
Hate is the last to forget
Envy is the first to cringe
While wrath is the last to come
Redemption is the never ending
Guilt is first to taste blood
Selfish is the one who gathers
While selfless gives away
Joy is the one that suffers
And pain is the price it pays.
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Forget me not, this wicked one, who holds himself so high, in the darkness I found myself without my guiding light, I chose this path, I broke my heart, by letting the wicked in, for evil only lets us down, and goodness is lost in sin. Break me down, scream at me, and in silence I resume, push me away, knock me down, and you see that I’m not moved. I do not understand, Why does truth provoke you? It was always the light, I was simply trying to show you. To open your red eyes, and cleanse your dirty hands, and bring you back to life, make you a better man. But Evil has a way worth words, in the moment it sounds so sweet, binding us by the wrath and making our spirits weak.. I’ve broken free from the prison I was held captive, now I’m standing on my own, and I see you all are laughing… You think that you’ve won? You all are naive, I’ll show you just how right I am. When I am rising far above you, and you see yourself in the end.
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Let us crawl into the depths, into the shit and into the mud, covering ourselves with prior afflictions. Let us remind ourselves why we can never truly be cleansed
Let us creep through the crevices, in between the hands of time, and grains of every make believe that we have ever made up.. . Let us not fall into the holes that cover this earth. Let us tell ourselves why we cannot risk such danger.
Let us remove the painted veils we wear, covering and hiding the truth, what is sincere. Let us dig for truth when it cannot be seen. Because it’s there waiting to be uncovered.
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Follow me into the dark, and bring me to the light, if you avoid the shadows you yourself created, then it only shows your fears. The fear of accepting being the source of someone else’s pain.. The consequences that follow. How have I been broken so many times, and I never seem to heal, Time does not heal these wounds, and it never will, Time will only make me bitter like the salt in my tears..
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I am insignificant I am overused. I am just a drug that you like to abuse. I am just and overdose, I am just your muse. I have become the shadow that simply walks in your shoes. It this all my fault? Did I murder myself. I wiped off the prints and left the gun on the shelf. The world begs for the words to stop spilling from mouth, we shall staple it shut and see if that helps. Has it come to this? Where the ending never comes? Locked in the state of shadows, hidden from the sun.
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Life is a constant awareness of the pain we must endure, the escape is obvious. But life is a forced epiphany, eventually the day dawns on us, eventually we understand things we once were not capable of comprehending, eventually we learn to love, and to hate. Our innocence is stripped from us.. and the years fall on top of us, the knowledge we gain is invaluable, and worthless at the same time. I know what it is to love.. and i know what it is to hate, and it has given me nothing thus far. I am no wiser than I would have imagined. I have not learned from my mistakes, I keep making them over and over again, but I’m only human. I want to heal my wounds, I want retrace my steps, I want to learn from my mistakes, and never repeat them again, I want to no longer hurt. How many times have I been here before?
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Sleep is only a temporary escape from this harsh reality. I try to share the pain of this world, try to understand the pain I have never felt before. I try to make others understand the pain I have felt. Now it is over, the pain has ceased, for the time being. Pain only exists in the moment, and once it is gone, it is simply a memory. A memory that can choke us, stop us dead in our tracks as it creeps it’s way into our thoughts. Of course pain affects us for the rest of our entire lives. I am no longer the same, But the pain I feel in the moment, I must keep in mind, will pass in time, enough that I can bare it. Until I am strong enough to move on, trying to envision tomorrow as a better day. I know that when the tears are streaming down my face, I will forget the pain, I know I will never feel that exact pain again, The pain shape shifts, it’s as different as the rain.
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Last updated June 12, 2017