Trying To Find The Words in The Kid Used To Dream

I have this urge to write something. I just don’t know what. I used to dream about playing large stadiums or being an actor in a movie. I guess I’m just a big dreamer with no path to making them come true. If I’m honest with myself a lot of misguided adventures was due to trying to orchestrate what would have made a good movie.

I remember when I was around 4 years old I had this strange idea that somewhere, someone was watching us. I believed that what I saw on television was not scripted but real life being relayed to my television. Having that same thought, I became almost paranoid that every aspect of my life was being viewed somewhere on someone’s television. I would rehearse in my mind what I would say or how I would answer a question. I had it worked out that if I was alone no one could see me so I would try to work out scenes or conversations; so, when I was with someone I would be able to make it entertaining. This went on for quite some time that what I was doing was noticed by a family member. They caught me repeating words under my breath or saying lines under my breath before I would say them out loud.

It really wasn’t a problem until the script fell apart because a family member didn’t complete the scene or someone got upset and stormed off. I mean, if we are playing cowboys and indians and you get shot with an arrow your character doesn’t just survive that. NO! You are no longer in the show and you either have to be someone else or go in the house until this thing is over with. Except - I never voiced that out loud. In my mind, I am agonizing because no one is staying on script! You can’t all of a sudden become Luke Skywalker in the middle of recreating a scene from the Incredible Hulk or the Duke’s of Hazard. It’s not RIGHT!

This may have been a coping mechanism to deal with the fact that the world is not scripted to be perfect. The lines and dialogues aren’t crafted by seasoned writers. The world is not perfect. Thus began my inner turmoil trying to figure out how to deal with such a hard truth. People aren’t going to say or do what would seem to be perfect in my mind. Imagine how hard this is to live with as a 6 year old and you realize you aren’t the smartest, best looking, most talented kid in the 1st grade. I became less than a supporting role in real life. I was the dorkiest, skinniest, over imaginative weirdest dressing dude with THE worst haircut. I wanted to go back home. I didn’t like this new show I was in and it didn’t feel like it would ever end.

Of course, I eventually grew out of this stage of my life. However, I understand now how imperfections around me push me away or make me uninvolved. It has hampered my relationships. The girls I wanted to get to know when I was growing up I could never talk to because the moment I figured out they were not the person I dreamed they might be would be devastating. Also, and I am still not sure how ended up married or remain to be with this level of thought process - I’d rather keep you at an arms distance hiding my own imperfections and keeping a blind eye to yours than to cross that line where the inevitable may push us apart. Which is why some dreams shall remain that - and never told - because allowing them out in the open would mean the show is over.