We live to ride the rollercoaster again in Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of HAPPINESS

My 6 year old daughter was back to herself yesterday morning after the introduction to her ADHD med debacle (previous entry). So much so that she woke up with an entire list of things for me and her to do. While this sounds sweet and endearing to some, I am the mother of TWO. Not only that, but I have my own things around the house that I needed to get done, so I could not fathom being asked 50 times a day when we were going to do something that I never agreed to do in the first place. I immediately decided that the best thing to do for her was to send her to camp. She fought it for a few minutes before I was able to convince her (on the day that she got kicked out of camp, I picked her up early and she forgot to grab her candy that she bought on the field trip).

As soon as I got home from dropping her off, I called the Dr. and told her that under no circumstances was I going to administer a 2nd dose of that medicine, and how my sweet, loving, fun, active child was a blubbering, depressed, and anxiety ridden child with dry mouth and a tummy ache all day. She lowered the dose. I talked to the receptionist on the phone for awhile. I remember meeting her at our appointment. She has 2 sons with ADHD, but she remembers her first son being diagnosed and what that felt like as a mother. She told me that the first medicine they ever tried made her son feel like “death was over him”. My heart just broke thinking about that. That’s how I feel every single day with my severe anxiety, so I cannot imagine my child feeling that. She of course did the same thing that I did and stopped the meds. The doctor lowered his dosage until they found the right strength, and she said now he’s thriving in school. She said by the time that she had her second child, she knew what to expect and it was easier. I’m realizing now, that when it’s not you going through it you really don’t think it’s that bad to just “try again” or “try a lower dosage”. This was the most terrifying thing for me as a mother. I CANNOT IMAGINE HOW MY daughter felt. However, the doctor sent in for another script and lowered the dose which immediately sent my anxiety through the roof. How was I going to tell my baby that she had to try it again?

When I picked her up from camp, I asked her if she understood why she was even taking medicine. Let me explain my child to you. My son has food allergies and bad eczema and a speech delay which has caused me to have a lot of Dr. appointments for him. He has creams and half benadryl tablet that I give him quite frequently. She often insists she needs medicine when she doesn’t because she sees that needing medicine gets you attention. I humor her sometimes and offer a peppermint or a cough drop or I offer warm tea. However, she’s always got some type of invisible ailment. She’ll come to me whining about a stomach ache and will suddenly stop whining and ask specifically for whichever medicine she thinks she needs (“the pink one that tastes like bubble gum”). ANYWAY, so I realized that even with having had the appointment, she may not have completely understood WHY she was taking it. That’s a mom fail on my part. She told me that she spent the entire day at camp telling everybody that she had to take a pill. She said this with pride because to her “needing medicine” gets you attention. I specifically told her that she didn’t need to tell anyone this, but here we are. LOL. So I explained to her that we’re trying to find the right medicine that will help her focus a little better, and how it should make her less bothered by loud noises and how she should be able to pay attention the way she wants to. I explained that we’ll be trying the same medicine again, but it won’t be as strong this time. She said she understood. I asked her if she was nervous to try it again, and do you know what she said? “No because I think it will be better this time.” As simple as that. It was in that moment that my daughter taught ME a lesson. I was inadvertently placing my anxieties on a 6 year old. She’s fierce and brave and ready to give it another go.

I’m going to be more prepared this time. I’ve already woken her up and given it to her this morning. I let her lay back down and go to sleep. I figured, the sooner it’s in her body the sooner it will be out if things go left. That was my biggest regret the other day giving it to her at 9am instead of 7am. We’re also going to be driving to my moms this morning, so being in an environment she wants to be in, and having my mom there to help will make a difference. We’ll probably go swimming while we’re there, so she’s got a lot that she’s looking forward to. I’ll be able to distract her better. I know the signs and what to look out for. I’ve got bottles of water ready (dry mouth). What makes her even more brave is to realize that it will pass if something does go wrong. I know the other day I couldn’t convince her of this, but now she has experienced it and knows that it will. PLEASE KEEP HER IN YOUR PRAYERS TODAY!

In other news, I had “the talk” again with my boyfriend about how I really need his support. I can’t remember our talk word for word or how it started. I was telling him about my phone call with the doctor, and there was something about his nonchalance and “she wasn’t calm at all” attitude that set me off. ADHD is a disorder. It’s not something she has control over. Having never dealt with it before, he doesn’t understand the process. I was hoping that the first medicine would work, but it’s really unrealistic that it would. Her body will tell us when we’ve got it right. He also made comments about how one minute she would be saying her stomach hurt and the next minute she would be fine. Do I think she embellished a little bit? Yes. Toward the end when the medicine was nearly done, I do think she was taking advantage of the special treatment and attention. What do I care? She’s 6 and she went through a traumatic event. She deserved the extra cuddles and warm tea that she was awarded. My issue with him is that he does not understand kids. He understands parenting from his parents point of view (which we all do). While some of us want to do better, he thinks the way he was raised was best. He often tells me about how his birthday wasn’t celebrated or how they didn’t go on trips or how his father would “get him in line” and every time I stop and hug my kids or do something for them, or listen to them, he always makes comments about how I let them “bully” me. I always always always look him in the eyes and say “I’m sorry”. Not because I’m apologizing for loving my kids but because I am sorry that his 2 parents didn’t show him love the way my single mother showed me. I NEVER criticize how he was raised, but he always makes comments about my parenting and it BOILS MY BLOOD. It’s a trigger for me, and he knows that. I used to get sad, but now I’m starting to get mad. Why would someone who knows I’m doing the best I can, make misguided comments to me that he really should have aimed toward his parents (both are now deceased). It’s like a child acting out. I don’t know how much longer I’ll actually put up with it. He’s in a wheelchair, so people think he can do no wrong, so he’s gotten away with a lot. He’s got anger and animosity from his accident and from those that have wronged him because of it, but that wasn’t ME. I’m not your verbal punching bag.