Days in First entry

The last few days have actually been a few good ones. I’ll kind of work through it on here.

Yesterday after dinner my daughter and I started chatting. She started asking questions about her birth mom and birth dad. She was asking about birth siblings and just really curious. I’ve been expecting this since the first time I held her. I honestly don’t feel insecurity as her dad. I did notice that she was definitely feeling me out here. She would say something like when “I grow up, is it OK if I go and see my birth dad?” Then she would look over at me to see how I respond. I just paused and said hopefully one day you can meet both of your birth parents. She just kept going. She said something about her birth mom not having room for her, so she gave her up. I said that’s not how it happened. I told her that her birth mother felt she was not in a place to provide her the life that she wanted her to have. Her birth mom loved her so much that she chose to make the hardest decision she could have possibly made. She chose to place her with us and she saw that she would have opportunities that otherwise, she wouldn’t have. I reinforced that her birth mom loved her so much and just wanted her to live with people that would love her as much as she did. I genuinely was thankful for this moment. I want my daughter to feel safe to have these discussions with me. I remember as a kid having so many things I kept to myself and I couldn’t discuss it with my mom. If she is feeling something or if she has questions, I want to be the one she can talk to about anything. If I can raise my kids to do this, then I will know that I have absolutely succeeded as a father.

Today was my son’s birthday. I woke him up singing Happy Birthday and a big hug and we got ready. My ex called on the way to drop him off to school. This afternoon I wasn’t exactly sure what I had planned. Initially I thought about trying to keep it low key. Maybe stop by the grocery store for a cake and hanging out at home. I also played with the idea of taking him out and make itnsuper special. After work I decided to go with the latter. I picked him up and asked where he wanted to go. He said Red Robin. Well then he thought about it and asked if we could do Olive Garden. Of course we could. It was nice. When we first sat down I could tell there was an odd vibe in the air. I realized this was our first time at Olive Garden without my ex. My daughter said she wished mommy was there.....I just said I know honey, but at least we all have eachother to enjoy this great meal with. In my head I just thought, well mom decided that she’d rather be here with her new boyfriend....it’s not that I wanted her there, it’s that I know how difficult it is for my kids that our family will never be the same. The vibe lasted about 2 minutes and then it wasa lot of fun. We laughed and play and enjoyed the moment.

After that my son said he wanted Cold Stone. We got birthday desert and walked around a small pond they had behind the Cold Stone. laughed and took pictures. It was a lot of fun.

We came home and opened the present that he had. He got a Harry Potter chess set, a light up marvel display and then the nerf gun I bought him. I genuinely wasnt sure how much he wanted it until he opened it. He was so sincere in his gratitude. It was different than previous birthdays. He’s noticed that money is tight. He knows that we can’t spend like we used to. He was truly thankful. I was more thankful for his heart than anything. As he went to bed, I said did you have a good Birthday? He said Nope. I have a great Birthday! I had done it. I remember holding him as he cried himself to sleep last year. This year, for his 10th birthday, I was able to make it special. He came out of his room for water and then on his way back he came and hugged me and said thank you for being my daddy. I wanted to cry like a baby. I’m so hard on myself and honestly I almost always feel I need to do more, I need to be a better parent. Rarely do I see myself as a great dad, though many say I am. But today, today I felt I had done a good job. I’ll let myself feel good for this.

Last updated July 21, 2021