So Painful in My life....I can't make this shit up!

This is probably the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced. Yesterday it didn’t get to me as much because I was so busy. Phone calls and arrangements had to be made and I needed to get the house clean and decluttered. My brother flew in and got here yesterday afternoon so we stayed busy with him. I haven’t seen him in 10 years and we haven’t talked at all in four! We’ve held a few small conversations since Mother’s Day when he realized how bad mom really was. I gave him a hug when he got in yesterday. I said on Mother’s Day I was sorry for my behavior for the past four years, as well as what I had said when we had the argument the preceded our not talking.
This morning it’s different. It really hurts. Physically it hurts. My chest feels like there’s something missing. What made it all worse is Brian fucking went to work. I fucking called him and told him I needed him. I said I can’t believe he put work over me and my mother. I fucking need him home. He had the balls to say he was going to take bereavement “next week.” When I asked why he said because he “could get things done around the house.” There’s fucking nothing for him to do! I literally yelled at him on the phone. He actually should be home soon. I can’t put into words how much he hurt me by going to work.
My father left to go to BJ’s to see when he goes back to work, my brother is still at his hotel, and Cam is watching the Blue Origins Rocket.

I feel so alone in the world and I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t know how I’m going to go on. I don’t know what to do. Mom was my best friend. I lived 36 years with her. How do I live my entire life without her?