Mom in First entry

I saw my mom for the first time since Christmas yesterday. She walked up and said “glad you see you’re still alive, I haven’t heard anything from you. ” Needless to say this didn’t sit well with me.

Maybe it’s time to give a little history here. Last year, after my wife abandoned us and dumped everything in my lap, I called her and told her everything that was going and told her I really needed her help. I never ask anyone for help unless I’m really in need. Well she told me she had to work and blah blah blah. I said you always tell me how they force you to take time off because you are going to lose your time. I said I just need you to stay with the kids until I can get childcare set up. Hell, it’s only an additional 7 minute drive from my house to her work if she still wanted to work. She just said I wish I could help.....Seriously? How the hell does someone see their kid’s world shattering in front of them and leave them to handle it by themselves? In the last year, she came to my house one time and during that time I was left to cook clean and do everything. Then I saw her at Christmas. It was OK. Nothing spectacular. Since then she text me happy birthday 2 days earlier than my actual birthday. I sent her a text on Mother’s day and that was the last contact until yesterday. She said she wanted to come over next Saturday and.i told her I’m not sure what I have going on I’ll let her know.

Today I remembered I’m taking my son to the aquarium on Saturday for his birthday and Sunday I have church and I have to take the kids to Supervised Visitation to see their mom. She replied and told me to let her know when I had tome to fit her in my schedule. Thus completely set me off. Are you fing kidding me? My world was completely destroyed, you left me to pick up the pieces alone and now you have the audacity to act as if I’m wrong for not dropping everything when you decide you want to jump in to our lives? My kids and I are not a hobby that you pick up to make yourself feel good. When you leave me to fend for myself, don’t be surprised when I don’t have room for you in my life.

I’m past allowing people that dont place me as a priority to try and make me feel guilty because I don’t jump when they want me to. I’m surviving. I have to handle everything on my own. I won’t feel guilty or appologize for that. I didn’t chose this path. This was thrust on me and you abandoned me like my ex did. In my greatest time of need, you weren’t yhere. Her actions screamed of her value of me louder than the whispers of her words ever will. I have had to walk through hell and I’ve had to do it alone. I will not tolerate her trying to guilt me into feeling bad because I don’t drop everything for her. Especially when I am barely holding everything together alone. In my mind, that’s a sign of a toxic relationship. I’ve been working hard to heal and become emotionally healthy. I have found my value and the importance of setting healthy boundaries. For years, I faced emotional abuse. I lived with constantly trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Why couldnt I be good enough? No matter how much I changed to what she wanted, I wasn’t worthy of her love? I’ve realized that I’ve always been worthy of love. I have to value myself enough to not accept people that want to try and emotionally manipulate me. It sucks, it hurts, but I will not be anyone’s door mat.