Tom Petty in Current Events

Yesterday I was just fuming when I was at the markets. It hit me that Toni accused me of being a freeloader. She has no memory of ever telling what to take out of rent, regarding what I send to her. We agreed that she will send it from her account. I’m just back paying what she feels the world owes her and that is going to leave me very short-changed in this living situation. I just spent $250 yesterday to make sure we are stocked up with food and essentials. I just keep thinking of the way she tried to initially downplay what I contributed to this place. All cleaning supplies, the chemicals, and the tools came from me. All of the groceries came from me. I bulk buy toiletries and stuff like that. I supply absolutely everything except what she has in her bedroom, which is just her bed and some storages totes.

She has no appreciation or respect for the gas and time I spend making sure we have food in the apartment. To have things to eat off of. I rinse what needs to be rinsed, chop what needs to be chopped, and organize what needs to be organized. I cook all of my meals, I meal prep and I never complain about her eating everything in sight that’s easily accessible. She is permanently stoned, you know that is. I don’t complain when I clean up after her when I wipe her wine off the counter, floor, and walls. I don’t get petty and leave her dishes behind when I clean up after myself. I’ve put $1700 into this place since we moved in and she thinks I am one month behind on rent because she kept telling me to split those costs and take it out of the rent. She cannot recall one single time when she said that to me. I just want to send her what I am calling “back pay” because I don’t like the idea of being in debt to her. Even though I am not. I knew this was coming so I kept all of the receipts. I don’t trust a stoner’s word.

To top it off, she assigned me the task to come up with a budget. The action plan. To create a system going forward where we know what is what. So I’m running the errands, cleaning, cooking, and being put in charge of the finances while she drinks and smokes up all day. I feel like I am in a relationship with her. The reason for creating a system is that she was paying the hydro bills without telling me. Without me even seeing one. She blamed me for that. I definitely want to backpay my share of that. A little communication would have been nice but no, she paid it and let it become something that could fester inside of her.

Once she is “squared-off” she will not have that reason to be miserable. She will develop a new one. I can tell that she already feels like this living situation is not working out. The job she gave it was to fix all of her problems, her anxiety, and depression. That is an inside job. It isn’t the content in her life that is making her miserable it is the context. She is just miserable to her core and that will never change unless she expands inward. She is self-sabotaging so that she can soothe herself with weed and wine. It’s the basic human dysfunction. Externalizing everything.

On that note, I am well aware that what bothers me is a reflection of myself. None of that is separate from me, her character, and her choices. I’ve been there. That programming is in me, somewhere. It was only last year I stopped craving alcohol. I think that is why I care so much, I see a part of me that I want to help, so to speak. Frustrated as I am, especially with her rotten attitude around me, I am still cordial. I am still thinking and have her in mind in everything I do around the apartment. It’s just her coming at me like I’m a freeloader out of nowhere, directly right after I just filled her in on what my family is going through.

Actually, this is the third night she is coming home late. She is at Bob’s, I see what happened here. Bob is her escape, she made this place so toxic and vile for her that she now gets to get high off of him. She claims there is no sex and that they can just be friends now, her feelings are under control. Lies, she has no control. She only fakes control with self-sabotage. Bob was her NSA friend but he wanted to start a relationship with someone else. She built her life around him, that fantasy that she would be good enough if she could get him to want to settle into a relationship. Such a tragic little situation for her. She knew the score, I never let her play the victim there.

Whatever, I did get a little petty. Since she is not pitching in for groceries, I put what I don’t want her to eat out of reach, I made it look obvious. I spent all day in the kitchen meal prepping, I packed the fridge of ready-eat-food she can’t touch. I rearranged my furniture the way she doesn’t like it. I took away the chairs from the balcony, I have a fold-up lawn chair that I can use but it is stored in my room. If I really wanted to be petty I could lock up all of the toilet paper and detergents. I hate how petty this is but I didn’t get much of the 6 bags of chips I bought last time. It’s not like I get a thank you. I get dirty looks, an “oh” when she is backed to anything I say.

I did wake up in a decent mood though. I thank god for that. I felt ambitious, I did that meal prep, I hunted down some decent pots for planting some seeds on the balcony. I felt flustered the whole time knowing that it drives Toni nuts that I spend money while she feels like I owe her. We are not dating, she doesn’t get to weigh in on my gas, time, or money. She knows the timeline unless she forgot #StonerThings. I felt like I got a death glare when she saw some scratch cards I was playing and that I bought a tall canna lily. A friend bought me a scratch card, I won $25 and used it to buy more for fun. The lily was $10 at my work, I couldn’t resist. I want to give it to my grandmother as a moving in present. Everything I used to pot those plants was less than a box of wine, I want a new hobby. Why do I feel like I live with an addict all over again? Having to justify every expense, creating an explanation in my head, bracing to experience moods directed at me… like.. ew.

I spent Friday evening helping my mother pack her apartment. My grandmother is doing well, she might get to come home next week. We set up her bed and TV just in case. We still move her at the end of the month. But why do I have to feel this way about what I spend? If this was a relationship it would be a mildly abusive one. I’m starting to see now why she can’t get a man to want her, why it’s hard for her to make friends and why she has such a shitty relationship with her family. She’s not the innocent little victim, she is such a cluster B.

Anyway, my mood was good until I decided to tune into my geopolitical content. It was nice not thinking about the world war we are in. We even have UN troops spotted in Ontario now. It’s just game over, China and the banksters win Canada. The sheep are in the way, for now. It’s been one mass awakening after another. I need to hold on to some sort of faith. I’m going to experience some melancholy tomorrow when I babysit my niece and nephew. I’ll be thinking about their futures, hoping they get to have one. Hoping the UN doesn’t take them away once things get really bad. We know what happens when that does. I can’t, I shudder whenever I think about it. I wish I had a shamanic healer or something, I need guidance from something or someone higher than me. I’m not dumb enough to look to the news or government. I go straight to source, sort of. I’ve never prayed. I never meditated. Downloads come through me in a way that I can’t explain. Blah, whatever. It’s another work week tomorrow. Joy.

Last updated July 18, 2021