I'm allowed to not like motherhood sometimes in Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of HAPPINESS

Do you know how guilty it makes me feel to write that out let alone say it out loud? I’m here claim that statement though and breathe life into it because so society has made it seem that women are supposed to enjoy being mothers every moment of the day. I would consider my parenting style to be loving and nurturing. It’s my dream for my kids to grow up happy and healthy and to never make a bad choice. Naive right? I also wish for them to listen to the things that I say, and to also do as they are told. Let’s all take a moment to laugh at this shall we? My kids want for nothing. Some would call them spoiled, but I wouldn’t stretch it that far. They have the things they have not because they’ve asked for them repeatedly until I’ve given in, but I genuinely want them to have everything that I never did. I LOVE MY KIDS SO MUCH! If I can afford it, then why not? So there’s that.

I have an undiagnosed 6 year old with ADHD. She is my first LIVE birth. It was just she and I the first 3 years of her life. Once, my son was born (he’ll be 3 in a few months), my daughter completely changed. The neediness, the need for attention, the competition with her brother, the back talk, the negative talk, the “I can spend all day doing activities with my mom, but it’s still not enough” kicked in. She is my most exhausting child. We’ve done family therapy with she and I, and since we’ve relocated this past year I’ve also tried play therapy for her (HUGE BUST). We actually have an appointment with a doctor tomorrow about diagnosing her with ADHD. I feel like she has a few other mental health issues as well. If there’s a gene pool lottery for favorable mental health traits, my child is on the opposite receiving end. Her absent father whom she has not seen since she was one years old suffers from Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety and Depression. Me, her lovely mother suffer from severe anxiety, OCD, body dysmorphia, and an eating disorder. She is an absolutely BRILLIANT child, but she can be mean and nasty. Contrary to what people believe (the whole “blame the parents” narrative), she did not learn this from me. Now, would I say that I am the perfect mom? Actually, no I wouldn’t. Do I love my kids? Yes. Do we go fun places and do fun things? Yes. Do I yell like a monster because no one has heard me the first 5 times? Yes. Do they push me so far sometimes that I want to lock myself into a room an cry myself to sleep? Yes. But do I wake up the next day with fresh eyes and a determination to try something different? Yes. I do!

Anyway, lately she has been caught stealing, lying, not keeping her hands to herself, coloring on the bathroom walls at camp, and just today when I told her she could sit on our porch for fresh air, she took it upon herself to walk around the corner out of my view to where my boyfriend was walking the dog. Did I know where she went? No. Did I suspect she was abducted? Yes. Have we had the “not all people are good/ pretty girls like you disappear everyday” talk? YES! Multiple times! She is starting a new school this year. She went to private school for preschool, and last year when we relocated she attended public school. As an employee of said school, I have decided that what’s best for my impressionable child is for her to attend a school that challenges her, but also will allow her bossiness (leadership skills) to flourish in a positive way! I won’t go into specifics at this moment of everything the school offers, but before she loses her love of learning, I want everything positive and all of the opportunities to pour into her. I will say that this school encourages flexible seating (floor, table, desk, standing) and that’s HUGE for a child of her age let alone one with ADHD. I found a school that matches her quirkiness, her love of learning, the arts and just the overall experience of being there. I PRAY that she gets her diagnoses so she can be treated and absolutely flourish in 1st grade. I don’t want to be the mom of “that kid”. The mom that gets the messages during the day from the teacher. It’s hard enough infiltrating a new school with your child, but this is one of those tiny private school set ups, where we’re all “family” and what not, and I’ll probably have to go to a lot of princess birthday parties and volunteer a lot of time and resources. I just want things to be different. They talk about the terrible 2’s as if they ever go away, with each year it’s just gotten worse. I scream, she screams, we all scream, and then she slams the door. She’s 6!

Speaking of terrible 2’s. My 2 almost 3 year old is in a “runaway from mom”/”no”/”i don’t want to potty train” stage. Just as I am typing this, I put a diaper on him and 30 seconds later he runs back into my room diaperless because he’s already gone pee in the diaper and doesn’t want to wear it. Does he want to sit on the potty? No. Does he want to scream his head off like he’s dying when he does sit on the potty? Absolutely. He’s my allergy baby. Allergic to everything( milk, eggs, peanuts, peanut butter). He ate a cheeto just today and broke out into hives. He also has a speech delay which already makes me feel like a failure as a mom. We do see a Speech Therapist and he’ll be evaluated for an IEP closer to his birthday, so that he can be allowed to go preschool early and receive speech services through the school. He’s accident prone, and can throw quite the fit…just because! He has the sweetest face, and then he’ll tell me no or run away to where I can’t catch him and I’m in tears! The combination of him and his sister together sometimes makes me feel absolutely defeated and like I’ve done everything wrong. Like, if I could start over and try it again, I would. His father is also not present. I think he’s in jail or something, but I don’t really know.

What I do know is this…I do my best. I mess up. I try again. There are times that I am over the moon with my children and with motherhood. Lately, those times have been few and far between. That’s what has brought me here to write. It’s okay for me not to enjoy being a mother. I’m not selfish for wanting them to be better. I’m not selfish for needing a break, or even for wanting to run away sometimes. Motherhood is HARD. I’ve really been unpacking this issue lately. If I knew then, what I know now and if I respected myself and my body as such, I would’ve enjoyed being childless a lot longer.

AND THAT’S OKAY TOO!

-AJ

Last updated July 18, 2021