Vulnerable in First entry

Yesterday was a good day. That is for sure. After we talked, communication seems to be greatly improved. Its not like we are constantly messaging and talking, in fact I’m good with just a few messages through out the day. I sent her a message today that said “Thank you for being you. You’re understanding and kind. I really appreciate that I feel I can actually express myself and I don’t have to feel like I should have to hide who I am. I can’t wait to see your hair!” Just a side note: Yes, she was getting her hair done today. Anyways, I felt the desire to let her know that I can open up to her and I don’t feel she judges me. I may have written about this before, but I have never been one to express how I feel or ever really let anyone know what was going on in my head. For so many years, I had to hide my feelings. I’ll never forget my ex telling me I told her I loved her too much. I remember having to go though so many times of uncertainty because I could tell her that I had been told of the next project I would be working on because if it changed she would get irate and get mad at me as if somehow I had caused the change. Never did she really take into consideration that maybe I was disappointed that I had lost the opportunity or maybe the uncertainty was a challenge for me too. I just received the blame. This ultimately led to me not telling her anything until it was an absolute certainty. I never realized how lonely life was when I had to face it on my own.

Things are going to be different this time. If I have to hide who I am, I’ll choose to be alone. But I don’t feel that with this new woman. She listens and doesn’t judge me. She lets me be me. I was talking to a lady that is like my adopted mother. She helps keep me grounded and points me back to God. As we were talking I was explaining that A and I have real conversations we seem to really have an idea what we want. Sometimes it’s hard to open up and be vulnerable, but I can’t close.myself.off.and expect it to be different. Who knows maybe I am writing a post in the future how things didn’t work out, but I’m going to shoot my shot. I’m going to take the leap and not live in fear. I believe we should set the expectations and establish norms now. Rather than “getting serious” and then trying to share how we feel. Make it normal now and later it will be easier. Maybe I’m crazy, but I feel that I can’t close myself off again. I’ve worked too hard in my healing to go backwards and shut down. Also, I genuinely want her to open up to me. I want her to let me into her thoughts and feelings. How can I expect that, if I’m not living it? I may fail, but this time I fail trying. I fail on my terms. I live in a way that I am satisfied with. I believe I will find someone that appreciates me for who I am and can accept my love. It all takes time.

I have grown so much in the last year. I am proud of myself. My heart is mine. I am loving as I see fit and I feel thankful that I can see my value. I have my bad days, we all do. That isn’t where the story ends. I hope things with A and I continue to grow and progress. I’ll just take it a day at a time until I can eventually plan forever. The key take away for me today, is I am definitely healing.