The Reccuring Nightmare in The Kid Used To Dream

I was probably 4 maybe 5 years old when I kept having the same reoccurring nightmare. It lasted what I’m perceiving to be well into the time I started the 3rd grade. It didn’t happen nightly but vividly it happened so many times that to this day I remember it and it still creates anxiety.

My mom is the oldest sibling of 7. Not all are from the same mom and dad. She had one full brother, 3 half sisters from her dad’s side and 3 half brothers on her mom’s. One of her youngest brothers was only three years older than I am and one brother is 3 years younger. Yes, one of my uncle’s is younger than I am - weird!

My dream begins riding with my uncle who is 3 years older in the back of my grandfather’s small green pickup truck. It was covered with a camper type covering that you could stand up in as a youngster. We loved riding back there! My grandmother put a couple of thick blankets back there to make the floor a little more comfortable. There was a sliding glass between the cab and the back so they could open it and yell at us for wrestling and shaking the truck. That was absolutely a fun place to be.

In my dream my grandfather is driving and my uncle (the older one) and I are riding in the back. I’m not really paying attention to where we’re going but in my dream we are on a dirt road. Is seems like we are driving around a field. To the right of us is an open field. The road we are on tends to slightly curve to the left then a sharp curve to the right hugging the field and continue up an incline then around the hill back to the left where you can’t see where it goes from there. The truck stops in the first curve. My grandfather gets out. I don’t remember if he shuts off the truck or not. But the back glass of the camper top raises and he lets down the tailgate. My uncle and I get out of the truck and we pick up a few rocks and start throwing them into this unkept sandy clay looking field where nothing is growing. It’s then my grandfather tells me to stay put. My uncle climbed back into the back of the truck. My grandfather raises the tailgate and lets down the glass. I remember watching and not speaking. My grandfather gets back into the truck and drives away - leaving me alone in the curve. I still remember the distinct sound of the truck as he shifts gears. That particular make of vehicle had a low toned, quick sputtering sound. My uncle’s face was in the back glass of the camper until the first turn to the right, going up the hill until I could no longer see or hear the truck. Typing this I still feel lonely as the night it first occurred. I was afraid. I was confused. What did I do wrong?

I didn’t feel at all worried around my grandfather. He always seemed to treat me as though he loves me and told me often. He was, in fact, my mom’s step dad and I didn’t find that out until I questioned why her maiden name was different than his. There was a part of me that hoped that the dream would come true so I could walk towards that hill and see what was on the other side, find him and ask him why he left. I was 4 or 5 when this nightmare begin and I was in my 40s when he passed so it had nothing to do with losing him. I have often tried to find the meaning behind the dream.

Maybe it was the reality that my own biological dad never reached out to me. Maybe the loneliness was subconscious. Maybe I was trying to figure out my way in life. Maybe I was being prepared for a journey that for a little ways I’d be alone but something better had to be over that hill. Why? Because my grandfather went that way and he took my best friend with him.

It feels like I may almost be at the top of that hill about to turn the corner and see what’s on the other side. It has to be better than the dead field with the winding rock road behind me at the bottom of the hill.

Last updated July 12, 2021