Trained Myself To Do Without in The Kid Used To Dream

Growing up I was unaware that my stepdad was a narcissist. I did not know what that was at all until I was older. He had a way of projecting his pain on me for being born. He told me when I was 4 years old that he wasn’t my biological dad and that my real dad didn’t want me. As a 4 year old child I was faced with a decision being forced upon me. It was obvious that my stepdad wanted to hurt me by telling me something my mom wanted to remain unsaid until an appropriate time. What did she know, she was only 21 years old, herself, at the time. The horrible shock she must have experienced when she arrived home that day and I said, “he’s not my real daddy.” I find out later in life it was his way of punishing her. She was young and pretty and he considered her a trophy. How does he control her? He uses her 4 year old son.

He’d take shots at my confidence. If I mustard up enough confidence to showcase a song I learned or taught myself how to play; it was followed by all the ways I did it wrong. As young as 5, I remember him using his pinky finger to resemble an erection and would laugh at me. He would do it in front of guests. He would make a “boing” sound. I never knew why, but I did realize by the time I began being interested in girls that my confidence was gone. When I was in the 2nd grade a girl gave me a note in class that she wanted to go to a football game together and maybe have our first kiss. She misspelled a few words. Unfortunately, for her and myself, he somehow got the letter and read it. My memory is foggy as to how but I suspect that I shared the letter with my mom and he read it. He would take every occasion to use those misspelled words in a way to embarrass me - then, use his finger to resemble an erection.

At the time, I didn’t know what I would do if a girl laughed at me. I wasn’t aware that if a girl was picking on you or playfully roasting you it meant she liked you. All I could feel was the shame of my stepdad’s ridicule. I didn’t know how to tell a girl that I liked them. So, I figured that making them happy was the best plan.

I would get a 10.00 allowance each week. I would get 5.00 to each lunch and 5.00 for snacks at breaks. I figured that if I did without I could save my money. If I asked for it my parents would want to know what it was for. If my stepdad found out - I’d never hear the end of it.

By the time Valentine’s day would roll around I would have saved up quite a bit. I would ask my mom to take me by the local gift store and I would pick out a gift. I would ask the owner to deliver it to the school and they’d give me a card. I would sign it with the girl’s name for delivery and put a smiley face in the section that identified the from. For a few years it was the same girl - and to see her light up was the most freeing feeling I’d ever felt. There were no strings and no stress from home. I never revealed myself because I didn’t want her to feel the same embarrassment that I felt. I couldn’t take the rejection otherwise. I always wished I would have been taught how to express my feelings rather than hiding them for fear of being laughed at.

It’s true what they say though; those that can make you laugh usually endure the most pain. I quickly learned that if I beat someone to the punchline about me - I could control the situation. So, as I was learning and teaching myself music - I was also learning how to make my friends laugh.

Training myself to do without so that other’s could enjoy the happiness I couldn’t.

Last updated July 12, 2021