5/15/21 10:39pm in The Troubled Mind of a Helpless Teen

it’s saturday night, and i am fucking grand. it’s saturday night, and i am i n f i n i t e . our group hung out today and i had a really good time. i often feel insignificant, especially in the relationship shio, but things get better when we’re in person. i love when we’re in person and i can hold them. i still get moments where i know they’d be happier with just them two. like, for example, their going to the river when school ends. their families are close. very close. and i get it. still kinda sucks, but i’m grateful for what i have. grateful that they want me around at all. i’ve zone out a lot today but i was happier to zone out around all of them than alone. but back to why i am currently ruling the world. as pele and i were waiting to be picked up but their dad, i decided to pull my hair bakc a bit and ended up holding it in a pony tail. everyone freaked the fuck out. jaws dropped. literally. and that’s only the beginning. pele handed me a hair band and i kept my hair up and they kept calling me fucking hot and sexy and goddamn attractive and they were speechless and i couldn’t. my confidence started skyrocketing. i usually hate how i look with my hair up. but today, i look fucking cool. i look so authentically masculine it’s unbelievably euphoric and i can hardly function. even thomas sat there and, according to him, started questioning all his life choices. apparently i looked exactly like one of his favorite characters from JATP. i was pulled into long long hugs with sshark and then pele. my cheeks are still flaming right now where they kissed me. i’m so jitterish and i have so many butterflies and i am so damn in love. when i came home i took pictures and damn i cant stop looking at me in the mirror bc i cant believe it. i even showed jacob. i was so happy bc he didn’t even question me he just called me dude and was so happy i felt comfortable with myself and i am so excited for him to come home. there’s so much to talk about. even though i should go do homework, i am going to go sit in my bed and hold my face where they kissed me and sit and smile at my ceiling like the idiot in love that i am.