5/6/21 10:23pm in The Troubled Mind of a Helpless Teen

I keep meaning to write, but by the time i remember i don’t have the energy. i did really fantastic at the high school meet yesterday. prelims and finals are next week, and then hopefully CIF. i seem to do better there since i know these are directly seen by colleges. anyways. i don’t feel particularly attached to me. like my body feels like it isn’t me. not in the dysphoria way (though that is always there). i just feel.... idk. fake? like a puppet. my brain is the marrionettist. or my anxiety? i don’t say things that i want to, and when i speak, it’s words that others would want to hear to keep conversation going. sometimes it fails me, and the two clash together: me and the marrionettist anxiety, and then we just sound all kinds of wack. also i keep thinking about my names. right now, none of them feel right. and it’s because nobody is around to use them. my personality kinda flips a bit around certain people, separate parts showing stronger around one group and hiding around the next. only the main group calls me parker. my teachers call me sam or samantha. anthony and theresa call me sammie. so does my swim team. the lifeguard instructors called me sam. when ik introduced tk new people i habitually tell them sam. what if i said parker? am i too anxious to add the extra syllable in sammie? im looking at the words on these screens and none of them seem like names. obviously i KNOW their mine, but nothing really registers. they just seem like normal words. nothing feels me. i have no label. same with gender. everyone calls me she. the main group is now often calling me they. soemtimes he. but nothing is fitting. nothing is registering deep now going “hey that’s me”. my head is saying that, telling me to respond. but that’s just because i know their talking to me. also last weekend i hung out with the main group and thomas said something that shook me. nothing bad. he said (jokingly) are your ex (male) crushes were just gender envy. what if it was? i love hispanic skin tones, and the culture is so intriguing to me. i’ve grown up with them down the street so i get to be a part of it and i’ve always wanted to be a part of it in blood too. and then the guitar aspect that was Daniel is a thing in itself. i mean it’s so aesthetically pleasing and just f u n to be able to play guitar. the callouses on their fingers. the music. the look on your face. and then obviously asian but that’s just me 👀. and pele and i have joked about “liking men for the aesthetic”. well. maybe it was. i was jealous bc i wanted to become them. was i? i formed emotional attachment to Daniel. the others? did i? obviously anthony is a childhood best friend. also i was a literal kid. who could have known then. everything around me feels weird and everything inside me feels fake and ido how to fix it. i feel limp. i feel like passing out and letting the world spin and burn around me into nothing. letting things evolve a new planet form and new life and new everything a new body new adaptations. new new new new new new. let it spin and burn and burn and spin and burn some more. nothing. all gone. then all in a big clash the new comes in and i’ll wake up and i’ll be part of kt with all the adaptations and the things i need to be happy. at peace. no school. no expectations. no pain. wake up free and for once actually be happy to have woke up rather than waiting until the final moment ti can actually sleep again. reminds me i need to sleep. before dad comes in and rolls his eyes that im on my phone and goes “that’s why you are having possible seizures”. literally ONE mention that my spams (possible seizures) are caused by being online so much (DUH. DISTANCE LEARNING!!!) and parent to straight to “its bc of those damn phones, shes on her ohone all the time”. my moms literally on her 100 times longer in a single hour than i am in 3 days. anyways. sleep. should do.