4/24/21 10:00pm in The Troubled Mind of a Helpless Teen

Im lifeguard certified! I just need to pass my hiring test on Wednesday and I’ll have a job. When I came home Theresa was out, and it felt really nice to be outside. To snatch a board and skate around a bit and just kinda vibe. I love hanging around with them.Anthony and I can casually dance around and touch without it being weird. Theresa and I have that great best friend bond where it’s like you can read each other. I fit. I am comfortable. We went in the garage to chill, and Theresa wanted to talk to our group. When Pele picked up, god i was so happy. Then Sshark popped into the screen too and my heart throbbed because both of them were there. But then the realization hit that they were together again without me. Always happier without me. I was really happy before. In the week and a half that I’ve been gone from the chats, I’ve been so much better. When I saw them together again I realized that i’m doing better because I don’t have to deal with being ignored. i don’t have to deal with being ignored. i don’t have to deal with not being wanted. nobody talks to me, but i’m still doing better. we were just in a call after me getting home and the second someone told Sshark and Pele they could leave they dipped. At least when Theresa and Anthony come over Im wanted outside. we don’t do much, but we’re happy. i don’t know how i can get out of this. they try to make me happy, but i can feel how fake it is. this isn’t a healthy poly, no matter how desperately sshark wants it to be. i feel like crying. maybe i will. maybe i’ll go play more minecraft.

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smol P.S. (?)
forgot to mention that i really liked out lifeguard instructors. Ivan and Ishmael. they were fantastic.15/10 reviews.
ishmael is able to be funny while he serious. (in the middle of CPR unconcious chocking practice he says to “eat it”, it being whatever we find in the victims mouth that made them choke. poor hiring instructors. their gonna be so confused when all their applicants say “eat it”. ) his voice is smooth too. i like how it flows. not mention, it’s a little awkward to say, but he is quite attractive. Obviously in the physical sense. some of the others mentioned it and i left because it felt VERY weird to say such things tho they were true. for me thought i think it’s the smell. i have NO idea what the smell is, or even how to describe it, but it’d comforting. at first i thought it was just the facility but it would only pick up when Ishmael walked around. soemthing about it. idk. smells nice.
ivan’s a literal teddy bear. absolutely adorable. and he was an excellent teacher. (i didjt really realize it with the mask, but i did not expect him to have a beard. looks swaggy tho.) he doesn’t joke as much as ishmael, but when he does it’s adorable. he moved around here he does and kinda poses. not really gonna try to describe the poses aside from their cute. stuff that Sshark does kinda? anyways, adorable. very huggable. also his hair looks soft -_- i wish to pat and determine if true. his voice is pretty smooth too. not in the normal smooth way, but definetly flowy. i like the way it sounds. i definetly listen when he talks.
again, 15/10 reviews. i’m glad i had this course with them. i think i can do pretty good for the hiring process on Wednesday. i hope. maybe.