4/20/21 9:47pm in The Troubled Mind of a Helpless Teen

Our meet was moved from tomorrow to today. i did pretty good, was one second off of my best times for every race, and second for every one. i didjt feel good tho. not just because of the sunburns, though obviously that’s a big factor. i just realized a very much don’t like the people im not used to, and even more don’t like the people at my school. racists, sexists, homophobes, transphobes. i don’t even think some of them realize it. and their so obnoxious about it to. i had to sit there and just be around it while i waited for my events and i zoned out because my brain couldn’t handle my thoughts and the oncoming dysphoria. how can i so desperately desire to be a man while simultaneously being so utterly repulsed by them?
a lot of bakugou headcanons are popping up on my for you page (it’s his bdayyyyy🥰🎉 angy pomeraniannnnn) so now i just really crave affection, and from specifically him. why must i love fictional characters so much??? 😫 that need fkr human presence as i fall asleep is back and really strong. god i wanna cuddle bakugou. i wanna fall asleep in his arms. or have him fall asleep in my lap while i play with his hair. i need to figure out how to reality shift bc GOD i love so many fictional people so much.
also, i really fucking miss daniel. it’s been here for a while but it’s getting sk strong again and i don’t get it. why cant i move on? i hear Wish You Were Here and i start crying just with the first little guitar part. he played it ONCE over the phone and sang to me and it put me to sleep when i was having trouble. i wanna hug him and cry and tell him everything that’s going on. i want that friendship again. it was so safe and home-like. when we went to Osos, i know i really wished he would be there. idk what would have happened if he was, but i wanted him there. i doubt any interaction would occur, but i wanted to see him. soemthing. what’s the billie eilish lyric? the six feet under one? “don’t come back it won’t end well but i wish you’d tell me to”? that one. why did i have to end it so permanently. we hardly talked, only when i started conversation and even then not much. but i wish. i wish for the beginning. for seeing him walk on deck and smiling at him before beginning the set (he always came later). talking while we changed after practice. calling him or having him call me right after dinner. telling everyone part of the day every night in calls. i even wanna listen to him play the Rick and Morty game he got addicted to and played instead of physics homework. can i go back and wish him luck on the PSATs again? where’s my rewind button. where’s my remote at all? god i miss him, and i hate myself for it. it’s my fault