4/7/21 7:16pm in The Troubled Mind of a Helpless Teen

I had a dream last night that I was who people actually wanted to talk to, or rather who someone wanted to talk to. In the dream, Pele text me. She asked if we could call. At first I though she had accidentally sent it to me rather than the group chat. But it was followed a few moments later that she was thinking of him. (There was more, but, as dreams do, it’s faded a lot.) She wanted me to talk to. To help her. Not entirely what I hope, but she wanted to talk to me. I woke up and checked my phone right away. Of course there was nothing bu our group chat.
I wish people wanted to talk to me. Nobody directly wants me. My notifications are all group chats. Sure, they talk to me in the chats, but rarely. I (attempt) to contribute to conversation, but i’m hardley heard. The only time I am heard halfway is when they need help for something, whether it be homework, school schedule, etc. I am the friend that is just there. Nobody would really notice if I left. It would take days, maybe weeks, for people to realize I had gone silent. I wish I could bring myself to stay silent like I’ve done before. It would probably help in the long run. The problem is I need them. I hate that I need them, because they don’t even help when I need them. Nobody is there when I need help, someone to talk to, someone to listen to me. I keep trying and trying the way I do with my mom subconsciously, and keep hurting myself over and over because I realize nobody is actually going to help. Hell, I’m writing everything in notes pages. I cant afford to keep hurting when I need help. Sometimes Jessica (therapist) calls, but I can never get through everything. There’s just too much. And I take a while to realize what I need to talk about and by the time I figure it out she has me talking about something else.
Cant I disappear?
No one would miss me.